A year ago today, my ex and I were blissfully happy.  We both messaged a bit this morning and had a nice phone call.  We were talking about how funny it’s been a year and how it’s actually rather sad we’re no longer together.

The conversation was frank:

• We miss each other.
• We still love each other.
• He is spiralling down.
• I want to help him.
• We don’t just want to be friends, but we also kind of do.
• We’re confused.

He still loves me and doesn’t just want to be my friend – he wants to be my boyfriend.  In fact, we can’t be friends at all.

I say my sister is coming to visit in Brighton this afternoon; does he want to jump in the car?  (Of course he’ll say no).

He said yes.

Ohfuckohfuckohfuck.  *Phone call with sister – mental panic.*

Another honest phone call.

Him visiting is a bad idea.  I’ll see him, want to jump on him, undoubtedly fall in love with him again – we haven’t seen each other since the break up 3 months ago.

He’s confused…

We talk about our relationship; he misses me lots.  We still love each other.  He says he needs to get his shit together.  I agree.  He says he isn’t what he thinks I need; that I deserve more.  I’m surprised – what does he mean?  He says I need someone who lives in Brighton, has a steady job, doesn’t drink so much.  I tell him the distance was a problem and the drinking and the drugs were also an issue; but he’s stopped that – so we’re on to a winner and that if he gets his shit together I’ll get back with him.  After all, I am still in love with him.

Then he drops a bomb.

“I think it’s best that we just stay friends.”

“Wow.”

“Wow?”

*Hypocrite – he just said we can’t be friends and he wants to be my boyfriend.  He just said he’s getting his shit together and I opened the champagne and said I’d get back with him at the drop of a hat in that case, and then he says that.*

He says he just wishes we never broke up.  Of course we needed to break up – he chose drugs over me and lied to me.

He said to message him at some point.  I told him to message me.  I’m always the one who initiates friendly chat.

*Hangs up.*

Stupid girl for falling again.

And then I receive a message that says: I’m really sorry.