When asking male friends about the girl they are newly dating, they immediately tell me how hot (or not) she is. Initially, the guys rate her value based on how attractive they find her, not how suited her personality is to their own personalities. I want to hear what she’s like, what her interests are and whether she laughs at my friend’s jokes…The guys don’t tell me about this girl’s eyes, or what she does for work, how she laughs or what she’s interested in.
On my constant quest to not be a hypocrite, I had to check what I say to friends when I talk about someone I’ve been dating. Of the 10-or-so dates I’ve been on in the past month (depressingly, most with different people and only 3 dates have been with the same person) the first thing I tell friends after the date is if the person is fun or lovely; ‘He is such a nice guy!’, I’d beam; ‘we had so much fun together!’, I’d say – jumping around. Of course I tell my friends if I fancy my date, but it’s never the first thing I say. This is vastly different to the responses of male friends.
When I date a guy, I don’t want the first thing he says to his friends is how attractive I am. I want him to tell them that I’m really kind, that I’m a laugh to be with, what I like to do in the weekends, the topics I become passionate about over dinner, the kind of clothes I wear…Of course I’d want him to tell his friends that he fancies me tonnes, but there is more to me, and other women, than our physical attractiveness.
When I speak with a guy I like, I want him to be listening to what I have to say; considering it and responding. If all he’s thinking about is his attraction to me, we won’t engage in conversation, he won’t talk me into bed and I won’t be interested in seeing him again. Sounds familiar.
I’m not disputing that physical attractiveness is not important when dating someone; quite the opposite, but I’m definitely looking for more than lust – and I was hoping that men in their 20’s were, too.