I’ve given up reading magazines. So many of them are full of instructions of what we should eat, how we should do our makeup and how we should flirt with boys.
I’ve compiled a list of the shite I’ve read in magazines and what’s gone through my head immediately after:
‘How to be beach-ready’
Start the day off with a spinach and kale smoothie.
- Gross. Almond butter and marmite on toast is much better for my soul.
Avoid carbs after 4pm.
- No one with a job that goes on past 4:30pm will manage this, particularly if they work with children. Ridiculous.
If you’re feeling peckish, snack on a handful of almonds.
- I’d rather have a Twix.
Work out 3-4 times a week, switching between cardio and toning.
- I don’t doubt this works, but I find it hard enough to stick to a gym schedule without the nagging guilt of what ‘other girls’ are doing.
Exfoliate and fake tan.
- Finally! Something I can get on board with.
Get a ‘mani’ and a ‘pedi’.
- DIY is more therapeutic.
Choose the right style of bikini to suit your body.
- Men don’t get told what trunks will suit their bodies, do they?
‘Makeup to suit your face’
Use this, this and this tool.
- Controversial, but I find my fingers work the best.
Use masking tape to create your perfect eyebrow shape.
- And then what, colour in the gap before ripping out some of the hairs?!
A ruler can really help you get a straight line for your bottom lipliner.
- (A friend said this definitely didn’t work and I admire her for trying it and owning up to it).
‘How to bag that man’
Ignore the guy you’re interested in. Say ‘hi’ to his mates first.
- Well, this seems counter-intuitive.
Make eye-contact for a maximum of 3 seconds. Then look away – ideally at the floor. Smirk a little. Look up at him again. If he’s still looking, he’s interested.
- Jesus. It’s a 4-step process just to catch a guy’s attention.
Apply lip balm seductively. Make sure you snap the lid shut to draw his attention.
- How loud is this lip balm lid?!
If you’re standing, lose your balance. Fall back into your target like a Disney princess. Then turn and gasp and how strong and kind he was to ‘catch’ you.
- Oh goody, a suggestion of how to encourage the patriarchy to see women as pathetic and seeking a hero.
Mount the pole on the bus or a train as you would if you were a pole-dancer.