Last year, when A and I were blissfully happy, I shared with him this blog. It has always been hidden from boyfriends because of the content but I trusted him to read my writing and he promised not to censor anything I wanted to write about. True to his word, he’s said he doesn’t mind me posting about our breakup (here, here and here). I’m sure this is helped by the fact we’re now in a good position of friendship and we’ve had a few months to process our feelings. However, I still wanted to publish posts about the breakup because they are part of this story.
What follows is a letter A wrote during our first few weeks apart in this lockdown. (He has said I can post it.)
I know you’ve made your mind up about breaking up. But I know that if I don’t explain how I feel I’ll forever regret it, so please hear me out.
I know the months leading up to our breakup were challenging for both of us, and as much as you’ve said otherwise I know a large part of the blame is down to me. That voice at the back of my head which says, “You let H down, you got drunk too many times, even when she asked you not to” will not stop digging at me. They say you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone, and that’s definitely how I feel right now.
I know we both had our own parts to play in why things didn’t work out, and we both tried to meet in the middle. But here’s the thing, I can’t imagine life without you. If I no longer had you around, it would feel like a huge part of me was missing.
Maybe writing this is pointless, but I’m tired of hiding how I feel. I know we failed at trying to make things work before, but I honestly believe our foundations weren’t stable enough. Starting over at the beginning means we can lay fresh foundations now, with lessons learnt from the previous attempt.
So all I am asking for is one last opportunity to make you happy. I have had a lot of time during this lockdown to think about what I want out of life, and I honestly think things would be different. But I know actions speak louder than words, and I’m committed to proving things could be different.
None of what I have said might change your mind, but at least I gave it my best shot. You’re my favourite person H, and well worth fighting for.
No matter how you respond to this, I’ll still love you.