NSFW: Behind Closed Doors

During times of isolation with arguably too much time to think, we often assess what’s important to us.  For some, this is explicitly figuring out our wants and needs by making lists and talking with friends, and for others, this might be an internal dialogue; giving ourselves time to re-evaluate things in our lives.

For me, the lockdown has meant I’ve had a lot of time to think about sex.  Over the past 10 weeks, I’m surprised at how creative I’ve been and the amount of writing I’ve produced, but I feel this hinges on my curious (read: sexually inquisitive) nature.  I’ve spoken with people from various apps, I’ve read articles about the New World of Modern Dating, I’ve written about kink in quarantine and met up with a Dom (watch this space).  Whilst I’ve learnt that more people are into kinky sex than I first thought, I’ve also mused over how intimacy has been affected by lockdown and whether the way we experience intimacy will shift after this pandemic.

More recently, I’ve been thinking about desire.  What do we want?  What gets us off?  And how are we expressing our desires when we can’t have physical touch?  For many horny people, fantasy is the fuel for our desires as well as the vehicle which drives us to make our fantasies lived experiences.  Whether we’re dreaming of days to be reunited with partners or dreaming up scandalous scenarios, it’s our imagination that helps us cope in solitary times.

‘Desire…is something we can’t escape…our bodies crave intimacy.’

An American guy from Feeld.
Photo by Taras Chernus on Unsplash

‘I don’t prefer men or women. Skin…it’s just skin.’

A woman from Feeld.

So what do people desire?

(By no means is this an exhaustive or definitive list and clearly, this is largely based on the desires of people who are on alternative apps, but I think it gives a good indication of what people are thinking about behind closed doors.  I’d like to add that I endeavoured to have more of a female narrative, but women were less inclined to share their fantasies – maybe I’ll have a part 2?)

‘After the most basic requirements of oxygen, water, sleep and food, sex is the thing we crave the most. There are actually quite a few times it has trumped my desire to eat and sleep.’

A man from Feeld.

I’ve categorised people’s desires into very common, common and rare; stemming from the predilections I’ve come across on various apps.

Very Common:

Male dominance and taking control.  Most men I spoke with were Doms.  Some switch, but they said this needs to be with the right female

Sexy dress, lingerie, stockings, heels etc

Bondage

Spanking

Willingness to serve

Real-life images of girls; porn imagery is secondary

Being slung over a strong shoulder and whisked upstairs, arse spanked, heels in the air

Face-sitting and oral sex from behind

Threesomes (usually FFM)

The elusive ‘unicorn

Dirty talk

D/s (lots of people were keen to give tasks to partners and wanting evidence of completion)

Being in front of the camera and teasing – women liked the thrill whilst remaining anonymous

Lesbians

Using toys

Public sex

Intelligence

Keenness to push boundaries of BDSM

Edging a sexual partner; either in real life or virtually

‘bonus points with me for good words’

A man from Feeld
Photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash

Common:

Anal

Role-play

Receiving oral

Asphyxiation and choking

Female pleasure and orgasm

Squirting

Exhibitionism

Learning about new fetishes

Leg and foot fetishes

Sex parties and orgies

‘I ride a motorcycle, skydive – all that.  Never feel more alive than in the middle of an orgy’.

‘Intimate, visceral, vulnerable, indulgent.’

Men from Feeld
Photo by Eric Nopanen on Unsplash

Rare:

Humiliation and a feeling of vulnerability.  One guy enjoyed being playfully teased for having a small penis [he claimed this himself; this is not my judgement]

Cuckold

‘There’s an animality in it.’

A man from Feeld

Crushing genitals with feet or high heels

Nappy- and age-play

Ownership / branding: writing a Dom’s name or writing degrading things on the sub’s body

Rape fantasies

Piercings

Random objects

Naked intertwined legs and mutual masturbation

Words / scene-setting. One guy wrote me a ‘sex sonnet’. It wasn’t, it was a fantasy scene. Lots of guys seemed to enjoy writing out their fantasies which we would explore together. Similarly, they enjoyed detailing what they’ve done before

‘Totally imagining this when I’m working in London.  Have you visit then strip you down to stockings and heels in the doorway as I throw you over my shoulder, spanking your ass as I carry you to the bed.’

A man from Feeld.

I’m intrigued as to whether I’d find out as much about people’s desires in ‘normal’ times. We all know that sexual tension heightens sexual desire and we’re all struggling to keep our legs crossed in Coronatimes.

Through speaking with people both online and in-person, I’ve come up with three pillars of sexual desire:

  • Curiosity
  • Pleasure
  • Fluidity (over time and in different situations).

Sometimes, our curiosity leads us down surprising paths. An internal, or external trigger can rouse an automatic response that might catch us off guard – I know I’ve certainly discovered desires I didn’t realise I had. With pleasure comes elaboration; by building on fantasies we strengthen them and reinforce the pleasure we associate with a particular fantasy. And some fantasies turn us off in certain situations but get us going in others, and over time we might no longer desire a fantasy but crave something different.

‘I can push your boundaries if you want to explore…’

A Dom from Feeld

So what influences our desire?

  • Maybe we’ve found ourselves bored with ‘vanilla’ sex.
  • We might be in lockdown and any touch will do.
  • Perhaps we’ve become acclimatised or desensitised to sexual scenarios and want more, more, more.
  • Or maybe we’re inquisitive and want to try new things and push boundaries.
  • Possibly the number of options available to us is damaging our desire or stimulating our imaginations.

‘There’s a disconnect of how to approach [desire]. We have a throw-away culture because of the options the online [world] opens up. Something will have to change in the dating world to account for that. It’s cool; we’re on the verge of something fun.’

An LA man from Feeld

Should our desires manifest in reality or remain as fantasies?

‘Depends how dark they are.’

‘I think it depends on what you desire.’

‘They should always manifest in reality as much as possible.’

‘A desire should become reality; a fantasy is often best kept that way.’

‘Goodness, that would be a scary world!’

Friends re: desire.

Whether we’re prepared to share or substantiate our desires or not, knowing the predilections of others helps us to feel less obscure and less isolated. Knowing that others are as horny as we are and that they too are craving touch, intimacy and connection, is comforting; particularly in troubled times. Maybe we could re-think the benefits of quarantining and isolation? Maybe now is the time to really get to know our wants, needs, desires and kinks…

Photo by Scott Sanker on Unsplash

Further reading and listening:

The Hotbed CollectiveDesire episode

Dr Guerney’s book: Mind the Gap

Feature image by: Виктория Бородинова from Pixabay

A note: This is by no means a kink-shaming article. Everyone’s desires are different and can be very unique. This article is also based on a small percentage of the community who happen to be on sex apps and is not representative of society as a whole.

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