Taking Your First Steps into BDSM

This post was originally written for Torture Garden and posted on their blog. Torture Garden is the world’s largest Fetish and Body Art Club with global events attracting open-minded individuals of all sexual orientations and genders.

By Holly Field.

You’ve managed to broach the topic of BDSM with your partner, well done.  Hopefully, they agreed to begin this journey with you, otherwise, you probably shouldn’t be reading this!  Your first steps in BDSM should be baby steps.  Tread lightly and carefully and you’ll find your stride and follow our top tips: 

  1. Start Slow.  Start Really Slow.

If you’re both new to BDSM, it can be fun to learn about what you might like to try together.  Torture Garden’s blog is a great place to start and there are lots of other good educational resources online (there are also plenty of dodgy accounts of BDSM practices, so be wary of what you read and digest).  Even if one of you has more experience in BDSM, you should listen carefully to one another and communicate honestly – and the person who’s had the most experience shouldn’t necessarily take the lead as they may go too quickly for the newbie.  Let whichever one of you is the newest set the pace; BDSM can be daunting at first but it can also be so much fun.  If both of you have a similar amount of experience, you should still start slowly; your dynamic is unique and you may have different limits to those you had in the past.  Remember to respect both of your limits and boundaries at all times and if someone says “stop”, stop.

  1. Talk.  Talk, Talk, Talk.

Before you even begin to pick up a paddle or buy some new latex, talk about what SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) means to both of you.  There will be some general rules like avoiding BDSM play whilst under the influence and respecting one another’s boundaries, but you can decide whether you incorporate a “safe word” or a “stop action” into your play.  Of course, it can be difficult to know where your boundaries lie when you’re exploring something new, so you may want to take your limits down a notch from where you expect they lie.  You can always increase intensity or try new activities together, but you can’t undo something you’ve done.  “Less is more,” as our mothers would say.  And remember, you can always change your mind and readjust your boundaries – communication is essential in BDSM play.

Aftercare is also important after a BDSM scene and power exchange; even if you’ve been doing it for years, so talk about what you’d like to do for aftercare.  Bringing your relationship back to a balanced level can help you to process the experience and approach your next scene with clarity.  “Aftercare” can consist of anything you like, but it’s good to do it together.  Maybe you’d like a cuddle on the sofa, a walk around the block talking about how you found the power play, some like a romantic dinner or a bath; whatever you choose to do, enjoy the time together and use it to reflect honestly.

  1. Review

When you talk about the play, try to be as open and honest as possible.  What did you enjoy?  What didn’t you?  If you could change anything, what would you change and how?  Be cautious of your partner’s feelings when “reviewing” sex; you’ll know how to communicate tricky conversations with them, so use tact.  Are there things you’d like to try next time or different practices you’d like to learn more about?  Learning together can be a fantastic way to start your own BDSM journey.

Follow TG on social media, sign up for their newsletter and check the events page to stay in the loop.  Stay kinky, stay safe and have fun.

Photo by Maria Vlasova on Unsplash

8 Comments Add yours

  1. moanpal says:

    That’s true and I like it

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Helen says:

    Sound advice as always, Holly, An excellent post 🙂 Not quite sure I agree that I agree people shouldn’t be reading, though! Lots of people have polyamorous relationships (my new poly partner included) because their primary partner isn’t interested in BDSM. For some people, kinky is an inherent need that they can’t turn off and any partner expecting them to do so would be cruel. When mismatched sexualities happen, it’s really important to talk and decide something that works best for both partners. Communication, communication, communication! Always 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. More that I meant if your partner has said ‘no’, don’t try to pursue a BDSM dynamic with them. Of course if poly people agree to search what for what they want outside of the existing relationship, then by all means. As you say, it’s always about communication.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Helen says:

        Got you. Sorry. I did misunderstand 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. girlieboy69 says:

    This is very helpful advice and also applies when seeing a professional.

    Liked by 2 people

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