Years ago, I dated a self-confessed narcissist (naturally). I didn’t realise it initially; she was generous in spirit, engaging in conversation and frequently telling fascinating stories. It took me longer than I’d like to admit to spot the stories were all about her own life, and any attempt to share experiences was swiftly quashed.

In the bedroom, she was just as self-absorbed.

PSA: Don’t have sex with a selfish lover. You’ll find little pleasure in it and may emerge emotionally battered.

1. They excessively flirt with others

What does a narcissist love? Attention. Where you draw the line for excessive flirting is up to you, but check in with yourself and consider if your lover is flirting with others much more than they’re flirting with you.

2. They manipulate you by positioning sex as a reward

Do they promise a night of passion if you go with them to a boring work event? Or guarantee a sexy hotel night if you visit their aunt with them next week? Notice if your lover is offering rewards as a sign of their gratitude or if they’re trying to coerce you by promising and withholding sex.

3. They rarely initiate sex with physical foreplay

Seduction? Forget it. The Narcissistic Lover wants you to seduce them, fuelling their wish to be desirable. One tell-tale sign your partner is sexually selfish is that you’re the one who tends to initiate physical intimacy. Your partner doesn’t scootch in for a cuddle on the sofa, they don’t offer to give you a sensual massage, and they won’t eagerly go down on you. They want to get down to business for that climactic oxytocin hit, without all the hassle of seducing you.

4. You’re doing all the leg-, hand- and tongue-work.

Does it feel like you’re putting in all the effort during sex? You probably are. Sex isn’t always “my turn, your turn” but there should be a bit of balance (unless you’ve agreed upon a power dynamic). You want a lover who gives as good as they get.

5. They tell you how good sex felt for them and don’t ask how it was for you…

… So you can keep making them feel oh-so-good and they can avoid hearing criticism (because you will undoubtedly have a damning critique of The Selfish Shagger).

Everyone wants a fulfilling sex life and you’re unlikely to feel fulfilled with a narcissist. Avoid.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay