Isn’t it funny how it’s not always easy to talk to the person you’re sleeping with about the sex life you share? Will one of you judge the other? Will one of you be offended? Oh God, will one of you worry a dumping is imminent?

Perhaps one of you finds communicating in general difficult – whether sex-related or not. Or do you just think sex is one of those taboo topics to avoid discussing, at all costs?

If you or your partner feel nervous talking about sex, don’t sweat it – I’m here to help*. (You don’t have a 10-year-strong sex blog and the accolade as one of the Top 20 Sex Bloggers and not be able to talk about sex…)

Whether you’re the one who feels nervous or if your partner could do with some sexually-linguistic coaching, you’re the one reading this blog post so you’ll have to take the reins. Maybe you could send them the link to drop a not-so-subtle hint…? I’ll leave that up to you.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to opening up with your partner and talking more confidently about sex

Talk dirty to me…

Don’t panic: I’m not suggesting you start rolling out the porno script in the bedroom. Talking dirty during sex is something many, many people feel awkward about so dial it back and don’t worry about what you call your nether regions.

Start by saying some positive things (yes, out loud) during sex. “Mmm, that feels good”, “Yes, just there!” or “Wow, keep going!” are all verbal indicators to your partner that you’re having a good time. Try not to say something feels good when it doesn’t; focus on reinforcing what does feel pleasurable.

Post-coital praise

If the sex seemed enjoyable for both of you, after sex when you’re both lying in bed together, tell your partner what you liked. Ask them what they liked. Continue to do this every time you have pleasant sex. “I loved it when you massaged my thighs before you touched my dick” might lead to another delightful massage next time. “When you circled your fingers inside me and licked my clit, it felt so good” is another affirming compliment.

Post-coital pondering

After a series of post-coital compliments each time you have sex, the next time, ask how it could have been better for them. For some couples it might be a couple of weeks of daily sex before they reach the improvements stage, in other relationships, it might be six months of sex once a fortnight before you reach this stage. This is not a race. Accumulate compliments with each other to feel good about sex before you start talking about improvements. Remember, this isn’t about criticism, it’s about feeling confident to talk about sex. So, ask how it could have been better for your partner rather than telling them how it could have been better for you. You’re welcome to offer this information once asked – but if your partner is feeling vulnerable, they may not ask you to begin with.

Start with a compliment: “It felt amazing when you grabbed my bum and it sounded like you liked it, too. Is there a way that would’ve been even better for you?”

Or: “When you used that toy on me, I felt an incredible sensation throughout my body. How could we give you that feeling of pleasure next time?”

This post-coital pondering is designed to help you build up communication skills. Don’t expect a fluid conversation about the intricacies of sex and if you sense your partner doesn’t want to discuss it, for the time being, don’t push it.

A Top Tip

Try to avoid criticism. An easy way to do this is to use “I” not “You” statements; “I’d like it if you could play with my balls while you suck me off” vs “You never play with my balls.”

Fantasies in the dark

Sometimes, eye contact can feel unconsciously threatening so lying in bed in the dark can be a good way to open up and share fantasies. Depending on your levels of comfort, you could initiate the conversation by asking about general desires rather than sexual fantasies.

“Is there anything we haven’t done that you’d like to do?”

“Where do you picture our next adventure?”

Perhaps you’d like to segway into a discussion around sex with: “And what about in the bedroom?” Or you could get the ball rolling by saying something like: “With the window open, it felt really good to have the breeze against my naked skin. I’ve actually been fantasising about what it would be like to have sex in a secluded park… What do you think about that?”

Start vanilla and slow with fantasies. Even if your fantasy is to be gangbanged by five men in a sex club (and there’s no shame in that), if your partner feels nervous discussing sex, the likelihood is this will make them feel uncomfortable.

Enjoy learning more about how sex is for your partner and with constructive conversations, hopefully, you’ll take your sex life to another level.

* Please note that none of this advice is to replace any support from a therapist. If you feel you’d benefit from sex or relationship therapy, seek guidance. This blog post contains more lighthearted advice for lovers who could do with a small bolstering of confidence.

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