In various sexual relationships over the years, I’ve explored my submissive side, yet I call myself a feminist. But can you be a feminist as a submissive? Does submission conflict with feminist ideals? Yes you can and no, it doesn’t have to.

How does submission encompass feminism?

Finding yourself wanting to play with the power dynamic in a sexual relationship? You’re not alone in navigating the world of domination and submission as part of BDSM sex. (Learn the BDSM A-Zs: (A-M and N-Z.))

Playing a submissive role may feel in direct conflict with the strong, independent woman you believe you are, but feminism is about equality for all individuals and respecting others’ right to choose a lifestyle that’s right for them. Providing all participating parties are enthusiastically consenting, have a safe word or action, and have discussed clear boundaries beforehand, you should feel empowered to engage in your pleasure in the way you desire. There aren’t rules as to what you can and can’t do as a feminist; you are not a “bad feminist” if you’re submissive. When you have the agency to choose the role you play, engaging in a submissive position can be very empowering.

How to be a submissive feminist?

A common misconception of BDSM is that it’s all whips and chains but impact play is just one element of BDSM (check out that glossary I mentioned above). Some submissives enjoy verbal degradation and using role-play incorporating humiliation or name-calling (“You filthy slut”). Use verbal submission to step outside of day-to-day life and test the borders of dominance and submission. (Obligatory caution note: Just make sure that verbal degradation is traversed with a trusted partner to avoid unwanted consequences.)

Beyond the sexual, some submissives prefer a total exchange of power, pervading all aspects of daily living. Perhaps the Dominant is in charge of all financial decisions or the submissive does all the household duties. However you choose to live your version of domination and submission, you can be a submissive and a feminist if the decision to explore this role is yours.

How to be a feminist submissive?

Fancy a break from societal pressures to be strong and independent? Relinquishing control can be an empowering way to achieve exactly this.

By making the decision to be submissive, you’re already being a feminist – plus, you’re holding most of the power, not the Dominant. Ideally, submissives set the pace and boundaries before engaging in sexual play while the Dominant’s role is to assess the play and consider whether the submissive is ready for a shift in activities, all within the agreed boundaries. As the submissive, you set the parameters of sexual exploration and by trusting your Dominant, you can relinquish control, knowing they’ll make informed judgements about how to continue the fun. Sometimes the Dominant might test these boundaries, but this should only be done after thorough communication and garnered consent. But because the submissive is ultimately the one setting the boundaries, a feminist can feel very powerful as a submissive.

Questions to ask yourself before turning to submission

Consider why you want to be submissive. Are you wanting to be submissive for your own pleasure or do you want to please your partner? Exploring power dynamics is best when navigated as part of a healthy relationship. Remember that trust and respect are not only for long-established couples – some people form connections quickly and enter into a D/s relationship through bountiful communication and without a relationship bedrock. Casual hook-ups can be rewarding opportunities to navigate power dynamics, provided you trust the person you’re submitting to.

With no hard-and-fast rules on how to be more dominant or submissive, it’s difficult to know if we’re doing it “right”, especially when we have personal ideals to uphold. To find power play fulfilling, speak with your partner before you dive in. Providing you and your partner feel safe and happy to explore power dynamics, you may find that you’ve opened up an entirely new box of tricks to enhance your sex life.

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash