Is your sex drive too low or too high? Are you having enough sex? Can you have too much sex?

The internet is awash with ways to tell us we’re not having enough sex and that we need to have more, more, more! But is the advice we read online or in magazines really all that good? Is it genuinely possible to orgasm in five minutes and yet have the longest, most intense climax of your life – tonight?!

There’s a whole lot of drivel out there, talking about sex drives, gushing with heteronormative, stereotyped advice. Fortunately, there are also plenty of developers inserting quality sex research into sexual wellness apps. This means everyone (with a phone and internet access) can have great sex, pronto.

So what’s some of the rubbish sex advice circulating online? Some pretty basic stuff, really.

Understanding desire

The chances are, that at some point, you’ve been made to feel bad about how much sex you’re having, initiating or wanting. This can leave you feeling like you’re inadequate, potentially damaging your relationships. There are articles splashed over the internet and across magazine covers, adverts promoting products to enhance your sex drive and wellness courses to recalibrate your sexual desire.

But, likely, what you think you know about your sexual desire is wrong.

According to sex scientist Dr Emily Nagoski in her 2015 book “Come as You Are” (would recommend), there’s no such thing as a “sex drive”. Scientifically, a drive is an innate push towards something that will enhance our (individual) survival, such as the drive to sleep, eat, drink and find shelter. Obviously not having sex will spell the end of the human race but celibacy won’t kill us personally (although it can sometimes feel like it).

Instead of thinking about sex as a drive, Nagoski suggests each of us has sex accelerators and sex brakes which turn us on or turn us off. Sexy dinner out? Vrooom. Catching the eye of someone hot on the dance floor? Vroom. Leaning in for a kiss only to discover Mr Loverboy has terrible B.O.? Screech! Throwing up in the loo in the club. Emergency stop!

Each of us also has a primary style of desire: Spontaneous Desire or Responsive Desire, and this can change over our lifetimes. No style of desire is superior and neither is there a normal position on the continuum of Spontaneous-Responsive. Your desire style can change depending on your age or situation. You might feel a more spontaneous desire when you’re in a relationship and a more responsive desire for sex when you’re single.

Most (#NotAll) women have a responsive desire style and most men (#NotAllMen) have a spontaneous desire style. Typically, we think of someone having a high sex drive as a person who regularly thinks about and seeks sexual connection – someone who has a spontaneous desire style – which is why we tend to think men have a higher sex drive than women.

Sexual Wellness Apps

Now we know some of the sexual basics, we want to make sure the apps we’re turning on to get us off are applying this knowledge.

If we consider that most women have a responsive desire style, to feel turned on there needs to be a stimulus to respond to (and porn isn’t always the answer). This is where apps can help. Let me share some of the best sexual wellness apps to make your bedsheets sizzle.

Emjoy – Sexy Stories with a Serving of Sexy Selfcare

Emjoy’s library of over 300 audio stories features solo play, couples, hook-ups, different relationship dynamics, and many more. Stories are rated on a scale of three chillies (one chilli = romantic or vanilla, two chillies = saucy, three chillies = spicy!) and can be filtered to suit your tastes.

Try these stories: Hard and Soft, Playing with Roman I and Research Rivals II.

The Wellbeing section houses over 500 scientifically-backed guides by sex experts that allow subscribers to enhance their understanding of sex and develop their confidence on a journey to self-pleasure.

Paired – A Deep, Intimate Connection for a Happier Relationship, Through Your Phone…

In Paired, clinical psychotherapists have formulated questions from a wide range of topics to strengthen the bond between a couple. Each day, the app poses these questions that are specifically designed to help deepen intimacy and encourage open dialogue between partners. There are also expert tips and conversation starters to help you discuss your answers with your partner and an in-app feature for those who prefer to message than speak face-to-face.

Coral – Sexual Pleasure from all the Senses

Coral understands that there isn’t such a thing as a sex drive and reflects Nagoski’s argument that there are two types of desire: Spontaneous and Responsive – probably because Nagoski is a contributing expert at Coral. Once you sign up, you’re guided through a short questionnaire to determine your desire style and stats help you understand where you might sit amongst population trends. Add personalised journeys (such as Have More Orgasms or Give Pleasure Better) to follow steps to sexual pleasure and save anything so you can return to it later.

With kink-positive, inclusive content based on science, subscribers can also Ask an Expert to gain personalised sex coaching. Discuss your sexual awakening, share stories with Coral’s community, and chat privately with your partner. In the Play section, your senses are awakened with sexy playlists and erotic exercises.

Kama – Holistic and Inclusive Sex and Intimacy Platform

Kama’s in-house team of sex experts deliver pleasure-centric guidance, drawing on scientific research into neuroplasticity, psychosexuality and somatic awareness. The app aims to help people of all ages, genders and sexualities to connect their mind and body to improve health through pleasure.

There’s content for enhancing self-pleasure as well as partnered pleasure and subscribers can save sessions for future use. New content is released regularly and videos can be short and sweet, although check who’s looking over your shoulder before you press “play”.

Aurore – Sizzling Sex Stories, Based on Real Experiences

Lauded as “Erotica, Updated”, Aurore’s stories have been written by and for women and queer people. Admittedly, this isn’t an app but a website but it’s so good it had to be included in this round-up. Aurore is porn with a storyline, “as smart as it is sexy”, written by amateurs, based on real experiences. Each one of the 200 stories feels authentic, emotional and raw, and is utterly relatable, with new stories being published every week. Search the website’s large selection of genres to find something that tickles your pickle.

Photo by Sound On via Pexels.