7:30 PM – BATHTIME
Daddy: It’s been months since we had a romantic bath together.
Mummy: We could hop in now with the baby?
Daddy: Hmm, in the last few baths, he’s done explosive poos so I might give the bath a miss…
7:45 PM – WINDDOWN
Mummy: Come and cuddle us on the sofa.
Daddy: Absolutely. Want a top-up first?
DADDY RETURNS WITH THE BOTTLE OF WINE. THE BABY IS CRYING.
Daddy: Aw, pass him here, I’ll bounce him. Cuddles with Mummy will have to wait.
8:15 PM – BEDTIME
Daddy (whispering): He’s asleep.
Mummy: Great! Let’s put him down and then we can watch the film.
8:45 PM – IT SHOULD BE BEDTIME
THE BABY IS STIRRING.
9:30 PM – IT DEFINITELY SHOULD BE BEDTIME
THE BABY IS STIRRING.
10:00 PM – MUMMY AND DADDY’S BEDTIME
MUMMY AND DADDY CREEP INTO THE BEDROOM.
Daddy (whispering): I’m shattered.
Mummy (whispering): Me too. Love you.
Daddy (whispering): Love you.
06:00 AM – NOT QUITE MORNING
THE BABY IS STIRRING.
MUMMY SNUGGLES INTO DADDY’S CHEST AND KISSES HIS NECK.
DADDY MOANS.
MUMMY REACHES DOWN TO STROKE DADDY’S DICK.
Daddy: Mmm. (whispering) That feels good. Turn the musical sheep on.
THE MUSICAL SHEEP BEGINS PLAYING.
DADDY’S DICK HARDENS. HE REACHES BETWEEN MUMMY’S LEGS TO TEASE HER CLIT.
Mummy (moaning): Mmm, fuck yes. (whispering) Get the lube.
DADDY LEANS ACROSS TO THE BEDSIDE TABLE AND KNOCKS THE BOTTLE OF LUBE OVER.
THE BABY GURGLES.
Mummy (under her breath): Damn. (louder) Shhhh. [beat] Shhhh.
THE BABY SETTLES.
DADDY TEASES MUMMY’S PUSSY. SHE MOANS AUDIBLY.
Mummy (whispering): Climb on top of me.
[beat]
Mummy (moaning): Mmm, it’s so good to feel you on me. Your dick’s so hard.
MUMMY AND DADDY ARE MOANING AND BREATHING HEAVILY.
Daddy (whispering): One sec, I’ll grab a condom.
THE BABY GURGLES.
DADDY PUTS THE CONDOM ON AND THEY BEGIN HAVING SEX, MOANING INCREASINGLY LOUDLY AS THE PACE INCREASES.
06:15 AM – STILL A LITTLE EARLY
MUMMY AND DADDY ARE APPROACHING ORGASM, TRYING TO STIFLE THEIR HEAVY BREATHING.
Mummy: Uhh, uh, yes, yessss!
Daddy: Yes, fuck, yesss!
MUMMY AND DADDY SIMULTANEOUSLY ORGASM, JUST AS THE SHEEP’S MUSIC ENDS.
Daddy: Uh, fuck, (breathing heavily) fuck, the sheep!
Mummy (moaning then giggling): Mmm, uh, uhhh – oh the bloody sheep!
MUMMY LEANS ACROSS THE BED AND TURNS ON THE MUSICAL SHEEP.
FORTUNATELY, THE BABY DOES NOT STIR.
Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash
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Still Searching for Prince Charming 