Ever found yourself firing messages out on a dating app and just getting nowhere? It’s depressing and very common to think: “What am I doing wrong?!”

Almost eight years ago, I was having terrible luck with dating apps. All my friends placated me and said I had a great profile and appealing, photos that reflected my personality, interests and looks. So why was no one responding?

Success in online dating depends on how you stand out from the crowd and communicate. After changing my attitude and approach, I found I had more matches and responses and therefore figured I could write a blog post about how to get guys to respond on Bumble.

While I’d like to claim I’m no expert, I did find my lifelong partner and father of my child on Bumble so…

That post has been popular and I was recently asked if I had any tips on getting women to respond on Bumble. Had I written this in early 2024, I’d start by saying that if you’ve received a message from a woman on Bumble, you’re already doing well. Why? The premise of this particular dating app was that women have to message first. Ergo, if she’s messaged, she probably saw something she liked on your profile.

Since Bumble launched its Opening Moves update in the spring of 2024, men and women can message first, ostensibly taking the pressure off women to initiate a conversation. Using Hinge’s prompt and question model, Bumble users can add these to their profiles for matches to respond to.

So perhaps it’s time to update my previous Bumble post to reflect the change…

How to get women to respond on dating apps

1. Choose the right dating app for you

Getting the right dating app is key to your success. If your aims for online dating aren’t aligned with the type of user a particular app attracts, you’ll swipe endlessly and likely find any connections unfulfilling. With that in mind:

• Seeking a quick shag but spending your efforts on Hinge or Bumble? Try Tinder.
• Curious to explore kinky connections – platonic, romantic or sexual? Get off Hinge and Thursday and try Feeld.
• Based in London and like the idea of sharing real dates based on common interests? Try Evntful.
• Loved BeReal and want authentic shots of the daily life of potential matches? RAW might be worth a go.
• Lesbian, queer or bi and find changing your sexuality on the mainstream apps just isn’t cutting it? Download HER.

2. Start with something specific from her profile – and not her looks!

Avoid the copy-and-paste approach: When chatting with multiple matches at once (which most of us are), it can be tempting to duplicate the same message. But women can tell when you’re doing this. It feels lazy and impersonal, and it’s likely to get ignored.

Avoid generic messages, too: “Hey” or “What’s up?” are easy to send but won’t be impactful.

To stand out, take a moment to read her profile and find something that catches your eye. Perhaps it’s her favourite book, a hobby she seems to love, or a holiday she recently had. Use whatever you relate to and personalise your message based on what you’ve read in her profile.

Try not to comment on her beautiful blue eyes or her sexy mini-skirt. Chances are, lots of guys have messaged her like this. It’s boring, overused and can come across as shallow. And she might think you’re just interested in her looks. If you don’t find anything other than her appearance to comment on, ask her a question about a hobby or an interest. People love to talk about their passions and educate people.

Message ideas

• If she mentions she loves hiking: “I see you’re into hiking! What’s the best trail you’ve ever been on?”
• If she’s into books: “I noticed you’re a big fan of mystery novels. That’s not a genre I usually choose. Where would you suggest I start?”

This approach shows that you’re genuinely interested in her as a person, not just her looks. Plus, it gives her an easy way to respond.

3. Ask open-ended questions

Open-ended questions are the key to sparking a real conversation. Asking yes/no questions can cause conversations to quickly fizzle out. Instead, ask thoughtful questions and allow her to share something about herself.

Message ideas

• “What’s your go-to comfort food when you’re having a rough day?”
• “It seems like you love travelling. What’s one destination on your bucket list?”

The goal is to get her talking about something she’s passionate about. This builds a foundation for a meaningful connection and gives you more to talk about as the conversation progresses.

4. Be friendly and approachable

Repeat after me: confidence is attractive; arrogance is not. A good way to show confidence is by being genuine and relaxed in your approach. Messages that tell her she’s a “10” just like you and insist upon a date immediately are off-putting.

To seem friendly and approachable, don’t agonise over every word or it’ll take you forever to message your connections and you’ll feel deflated if they don’t respond. Remember not to mistake being relaxed with laziness. Simply saying, “Hey, how are you?” won’t get many responses.

Message ideas:

• “Hey, I noticed we matched and thought I’d reach out. How’s your week going so far?”
• “Hey [name]! I was surprised by [x] this weekend. Anything crazy happened to you recently?”
• “I’m really into trying new coffee spots. Any recommendations?”

By starting with a relaxed tone, you’ll make it easy for her to respond, without overwhelming her with too much too soon.

5. Show a sense of humour

Humour is a great way to break the ice, but only if it’s done tastefully and isn’t forced. If you can make her smile or laugh with your opening line, she’ll be more likely to want to keep the conversation going. Try to resist the temptation of making a joke in every message you send.

Stay lighthearted and keep your messages relevant to her profile or something you both can relate to:

• If she’s into fitness: “I’m starting to think I need a personal trainer to survive my gym sessions. Any tips?”
• If she loves cooking: “Can I trust you to teach me how to make something that won’t burn down my kitchen?”

Recently, one guy took a hilarious corporate approach when he messaged my friend on Hinge:

Him: “[Friend’s name],

Trust you are well.

Just wondering if we can circle back about that date.

Very best,

[His name]”

She didn’t reply. So he followed up with:

“Dear [my friend’s name],

Sorry to press! Just following up on the below.

Warmest,

[His name]”

She replied with a witty response about Q3 and fixing diaries.

Lighthearted, relatable, confident but not arrogant.

Be careful not to come off as too sarcastic or self-deprecating, though. A playful tone works best when it feels authentic.

6. Don’t get discouraged by no response

It can be disheartening when you don’t get a reply, especially after putting effort into your message. But remember, there are many reasons why someone might not respond—perhaps they’re busy, not interested, or haven’t seen your message yet. Try not to take it personally.

Don’t bombard her with messages if you don’t get a response. The follow-up message to my friend worked but proceed with caution. If you feel like the connection isn’t there, move on and message another connection.

7. Be respectful

With the relative anonymity of online dating, disrespect flies around but don’t let it come from you. Don’t pressure her for a response or get frustrated if she’s taking time to reply. Respect her boundaries, and give her the space to engage when she’s ready.

A good rule of thumb is to send one thoughtful message and wait for a response. If it doesn’t come after a couple of days, move on. Forcing a response is never a good look.

Photo by mikoto.raw Photographer on Pexels