You’re heading on holiday with your partner. Your destination is adults-only, has a private hot tub, and has a floor-to-ceiling window with an impressive view.

You’re going to have so much sex.

What do you pack?

Condoms, lube, sexy lingerie, obviously. How about that new sex toy you’ve both been meaning to try? Or that vibrator you used to love but have since forgotten about? Yes, must pack the door sex swing to use in the doorframe of the en-suite. You wonder if it’s worth scouring the sex toy retailer for any enticing goodies – and then if they’ll deliver in time.

God, think of all the sex you’ll have.

You land at 1PM, check in by 3PM, so will likely be shagging by 3:20PM.

Should you wear lingerie under your airport clothes or pack them in your hand luggage for easy accessibility?

You review the hotel booking again. Yes, a bath! A standalone, roll-top bath. Looks big enough for two. And a doorless shower?! How exciting.

Back to packing.

Flip-flops, trainers, heels. Now, do you need a pair of “bedroom stilettos,” or does that seem indulgent? Pop them in; if you run out of space, you can always take them out again.

With any luck, your room will have a bed frame you can attach restraints to. Bring them along. If there’s no suitable bed frame, you’ll improvise in the heat of the moment.

Zipped up, ready to vacay.

You’re packing to come home.

In go the bedroom stilettos, unworn, of course. So, too, does the almost-full pack of condoms. Tucked in the depths of the inner pocket, you find the sex swing you didn’t even realise you’d forgotten to unpack. Thank God you didn’t buy any last-minute sex toys; your trusty vibrator was only used twice.

In the bathroom, you stare woefully at the bath while you absentmindedly fling mascara, moisturiser and micellar water into your wash bag. Only one bath and alone. Why, why, why?!

The hot tub was fun but you remembered you read somewhere about the risks of having sex in one. So that put paid to that idea.

Oh well. Perhaps next holiday will be different.

Photo by Mina Rad on Unsplash