I’m surprised at how hard I’ve found it to be in a relationship again.

Over the past two years, I have grown and changed and I was so eager to get into a relationship with the right kind of person I worry I’ve steamed ahead too fast. Finding a really lovely man has meant I’ve been extremely happy for the last few months, but now I’ve realised I need to maintain my own space so I don’t lose my temper and snap at my lovely boyfriend.

We want to spend loads of our time together, doing lots of exciting things and learning about one another but we need time for our own lives, too. I’ve been single for a few years (he’s been single for even longer) and shifting from being fiercely independent to sharing part of my life with someone has been hard. Having to consider not only someone else’s feelings but also acknowledge how our lives are interwoven and compromising on so much has been tough. Fortunately, A feels the same way and he seems to want to make our relationship work. He said we’ll “tackle the shift together”.

We’re realising we don’t need to entwine every aspect of our lives. We need to remain independent people because we’ve worked so hard to cultivate ourselves. If or when we split, we don’t want to have to rebuild our lives from scratch. Whilst we continue to learn about one another, we need to learn how to complement each other and find our balance.

The problems in our relationship came to a head this Valentine’s Day (as they so often do). The day is full of pressure for everything to be perfect, and although I usually reject romance and the slushy nature of this day for lovers, this is the first Valentine’s Day in years I’ve been romantically involved, so I put in the effort.

What started as a lovely evening and frank discussions about my weaknesses, turned into a night of simmering resentment and spiteful comments. Although no fault of A’s, the previous few days at work had been particularly stressful and coupled with him staying over and waking up frequently during the night, I felt tightly wound. Because my emotional cup was almost full of negative emotions, it didn’t take much for it to overflow and unfortunately, A was in the firing line. One bad comment during sex fed into personal insecurity and I shut down. There were no cuddles, no more sex and barely any smiles exchanged. We spoke about it again this morning, but I was still harbouring resentment and I couldn’t improve my attitude.

What I realise now is that I needed time to myself. Since being home alone for the past few hours (with my mobile on aeroplane mode) I’ve managed to drain my emotional cup and I feel more balanced. Blogging has been my outlet, particularly during times of singledom, so why shouldn’t it also be an outlet whilst I’m in a relationship? Writing is my catharsis.

In order to better manage our relationship, occasionally, I need to take a step back from being part of a whole and feel whole on my own. They say you can never love anyone until you love yourself and I think it’s also true that you can’t expect to successfully share your life with someone if you can’t maintain a sense of agency over your own identity. To feel like me, and not feel resentful in this relationship, I need to allow myself to spend time alone; doing what I love doing.

Hopefully, this “me-time” will not only encourage A to be independent but also afford more success in our relationship.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash