You might have heard the phrase “topping from the bottom” (thanks, Fifty Shades of Grey…) and wondered what it means. Maybe you’re confused about how “topping” differs from “domming” and whether you can bottom from the top, dom from the bottom or top as a Dom – and then your knickers are really in a twist.

Firstly, “topping” and being a “Dom” are not synonymous. In the BDSM world, a Dom is a person who exercises control over another – they might be called “Sir”, “Madam”, “Mistress”, etc. either within the confines of the BDSM play or in normal life if the Dominant and submissive have agreed to extend their roles beyond the (metaphorical) bedroom. Identifying as a Dom/Domme is about your relationship with others and the emotional and psychological connection with your play partners. Some find this involves greater emotional investment and is more rewarding than being a “top”.

Topping is more about the physical involvement in a BDSM scene; someone tops another – they usually control and lead the direction of the scene. (Check out other BDSM terms between A-M here and terms between N-Z here.)

Hang on, I’m still confused – they sound so similar!

Let’s share a few examples.

Rosie prefers to take the lead in the bedroom but she doesn’t consider herself a Domme. Sometimes, she’ll take the lead in a scene (tops), other times she’s happy with vanilla sex or playing around with a slightly submissive role. (In general, Dom/Dommes prefer to avoid exploring submissive roles.) Rosie’s happy being a top or a bottom but wouldn’t go so far as saying she’s a Domme or a sub.

Alex enjoys being dominant and submissive – taking control of their partner and being controlled – they’re a switch. While not adverse to leading the direction of a scene, Alex does prefer to be guided (all that plotting gets in the way of their pleasure), so is more of a bottom.

Matthew considers himself a Dom. He gets sexually aroused by controlling others and with his myriad BDSM play partners, he’s always in the dominant role. He rarely has vanilla sex and guides BDSM scenes in which he’s involved. As he has control over the direction the action is going, he’s also top – until he meets Louise…

Louise enjoys vanilla sex and sometimes engages in BDSM play. She wouldn’t call herself a “submissive” but can get pleasure from others taking control. When she hooks up with Matthew, she knows he’s a Dom and likes to control the sexual play and he’s happy with this, but a part of her wants to know what makes being a Dominant fun, so she decides to see what it’s like to take the reins in their BDSM game. Handcuffed to the chair, Louise seizes her opportunity and tells Matthew to tease her nipples and play with her pussy. Matthew (being the Dom that he is) notices Louise is trying to lead the scene – Uh oh, she’s topping from the bottom – so tells her to stop doing so and gives her a good spanking.

While generally frowned upon in the BDSM community (because it goes against pre-agreed power dynamics) topping from the bottom can be a fun way to explore different roles, just make sure this is done in a safe, consenting environment. Hopefully, you know the partner you’re sleeping with, so if they’re a Dom/Domme or a top, you can determine if they’ll be accepting of a little topping from the bottom. If you don’t know the person you’re sleeping with very well, make sure you talk with them about all eventualities before you begin engaging in BDSM play. Be aware that if a bottom consistently tries to top their dominant partner, it could be an indication of a lack of trust in the person leading the scene. Pause the fun, discuss if anything could be improved for you both, listen to each other and be sensitive.

Remember that if a bottom or a submissive gives feedback (harder, slower, softer), this isn’t “topping from the bottom”. Feedback and communication are essential parts of sex, especially BDSM sex, and should be encouraged.

Photo by 1MilliDollars on Unsplash