Think about the best sex you’ve ever had.

Was it animalistic? Was it erotically risky? Was it amongst a crowd?

Now think about the best sex you’ve ever had and remember you don’t have to share that thought with anyone. You don’t need to pretend the best sex you’ve had was in a room full of kinky others at a sex party, you don’t need to convince yourself that the one-night stand you had with the barman last year was mind-blowing. It may have been intense and passionate, but was it the best?

Next, consider what made the best sex so good? I’d hazard a guess that alongside “passion”, “love”, “trust” and “laughter” probably feature in your answer.

Have you ever had sex on a piece of furniture and one of you falls over? What about being interrupted by the dog again and again, only to decide to take a breather? To be able to laugh during sex is magical; we can feel so vulnerable when we’re sleeping with someone that feeling safe to laugh at the hilarity of it all helps to build a connection.

Trust is obviously also a huge part of what can make sex great. Trusting that your lover won’t comment on your wobbly bits, trusting that they aren’t sleeping with half of London, trusting that they won’t joke about the sex you’re having the next day with their friends. And there’s also trusting that the person will accept us for ourselves, that they won’t tease us if we have to change positions because it’s uncomfortable. When we trust that we’re accepted we can feel confident, relaxed and succumb to pleasure.

Once I realised that sex doesn’t have to be sexy, I was enjoying sex so much more. Sure, feeling sexy is what often gets us in the mood, but great sex happens once you’re thinking less about performing and looking gorgeous and more about feeling good.

Then there are the times when sex is simply okay, not groundbreaking but not unpleasant. The times when sex certainly isn’t sexy and may even be tinged with sadness – like break-up sex. Sex when one of you is leaving for a while. Sex as a comforter. Sex when everything’s about to change. The sex during these times is no less poignant than the sexy sex we all desire. Sometimes, this sex is the best sex ever because it’s overflowing with emotion.

But my top tip for having the best sex you’ve ever had? Talk with your lover/partner after. Find out what made it great for them and enjoy trying to top it next time!

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash