I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re reading this and thinking: “Duh, of course, a woman’s sex drive changes after having a baby!” When I was pregnant, I thought the same. However, I didn’t realise to what extent my sex drive would change.

When I found out I was pregnant, I had been with my boyfriend for an entire three months. We weren’t particularly careful with protection, I used Natural Cycles unreliably and I was told it would be difficult to get pregnant, anyway. So what a delightful surprise those two (well, six after I’d tested, retested and retested) little lines were.

We were in the throes of a hot new relationship with all that entails. Even while I was pregnant, we maintained our active sex life and continued to have sex until a few days before our baby was born.

In some ways, having a baby has improved our sex life – the times we do have sex, we’re more connected – but my sex drive isn’t what it used to be. What I’m learning is the postpartum period is complex and multifaceted. For me, ovulation returned and then disappeared again, my skin and hair are somehow a little different and I’m growing a ridiculous tufty fringe that has never, and will never, be in style.

So physically, what’s going on?

The physical changes that accompany pregnancy and childbirth can have a substantial impact on a woman’s sex drive. Hormonal fluctuations, fatigue, vaginal dryness and postpartum pain are common issues that many new mothers face. These physical challenges can make sex less appealing or uncomfortable for some women, leading to a (supposedly) temporary decrease in libido.

Carrying a baby in your body also takes its toll. Stomach muscles weaken; c-section scars and perineum stitches can be painful as well as mentally challenging to accommodate; and breastfeeding boobs might look incredible but can also be incredibly painful to touch.

And what about emotionally?

Any new mother knows that motherhood is an emotional rollercoaster. Feelings of overwhelm, anxiety and exhaustion can act like a sledgehammer to the desire for intimacy. Likewise, an overload of touch from a new baby can result in a partner’s tender caress shunned for preference of “personal space”.

The shift in identity from woman to mother can alter her priorities and sense of self, including how sexuality fits into this new role. And how do you go from talking about the little red truck and singing “The Animals Went in Two by Two” all day to talking dirty with your partner?

What about the changes in relationship dynamics?

The demands of caring for a newborn baby, sleepless nights, competing priorities and no time to date can shift the focus away from intimacy and romance. Communication breakdowns, disagreements over parenting styles, and feelings of disconnectedness are common in relationships after the birth of a child – factors that can all impact a woman’s sex drive.

There’s also the little resentments that can build up. He has “time off” going to the office. She gets to spend all day with the baby. Her body is a feeding factory. He thinks her body looks amazing – plus they’ve had the “all-clear” from the midwife to resume sex. She feels guilty she hasn’t wanted sex. She thinks he doesn’t understand how much her body has changed carrying their baby. She can’t be bothered to shave her legs when the baby’s napping because there’s the washing, the emailing, the resting to be done…

Think all this plays into dangerous heterosexual stereotypes? Perhaps, but I recently sat with a group of other mums in my book club and we all said similar things.

Can anything be done to salvage your sex life?

All the research tells me that these changes are temporary and part of the natural adjustment to motherhood. My son is 15 months and my partner and I are hoping more sex is on the horizon for us in the not-too-distant future.

As is nearly always the case, talking openly and honestly about desires, concerns and needs is crucial in navigating these changes together. So, too, is practising self-care, seeking support from loved ones, and trying to make time for intimacy and connection.

A friend recently said that sex is like a muscle. The more you use it and do it, the easier it becomes. Another friend said her mum advised her to keep the sex alive while she can because it’s a lot harder to reignite an extinguished flame than enhance a flicker (or something to that effect).

How to make time for intimacy

Rather than focusing on having more sex, focus on being more intimate. Making time for foreplay is a great prelude to feeling more connected and sexy with each other.

• Don’t complain about or criticise your shared sex life to your partner: “You never go down on me” and “You don’t fancy me any more” are hardly going to lead to hot sex, are they?
• Don’t bring up your sex life when the kids are screaming or you’re stressed.
• Do talk about sexy memories or fantasies when you’re both relaxed.
• Do try to go on a date from time to time and regularly. See if a friend or family member will babysit so you can connect with your partner away from the emptied toy box.
• Do try to go to bed a little earlier so you can cuddle and make time for sex without rolling into bed, exhausted.

Now, I must remember to follow my own advice…

Photo by Ioann-Mark Kuznietsov on Unsplash