If you’ve lived under a rock for the last five years, “being ghosted” is when someone you’re chatting with on a dating app suddenly ceases contact. You’re left on read receipts, disconnected from without any indication why, and left feeling glum.
No matter the app, ghosting happens – and to a lot of people. According to this study, as many as 85% of singletons on dating apps have been ghosted.
But this isn’t a post about how to avoid being ghosted.
Have you ever felt a bit icky and stopped talking to someone on a dating app? Was a connection giving off weird vibes and you disconnected from them with no explanation? Yep, you’ve ghosted someone and, according to the same study, 63% of people have ghosted another person.
How to avoid ghosting
The dating app RAW is determined to break this cycle of silence.
RAW encourages people to show the true, unfiltered version of themselves with daily photo updates taken in real time only. This real-life approach eliminates the use of stale, outdated content and reduces the likelihood of ghosting, leaving room for honest connections.
The app is launching a “bye-bye ghosting” campaign to bring closure to past dating mishaps. Whether you’re currently ghosting someone or have some ghostly skeletons in your closet, RAW is encouraging everyone to join in and send a message to people you’ve ghosted! After all, there must be a reason why you haven’t disconnected from them…
Reaching out to someone you’ve ghosted might seem nerve-wracking but it doesn’t need to be scary. RAW’s dating expert and clinical psychologist Betsy Chung has come up with some message ideas to help break the ice.
How to message someone you’ve ghosted
- “Hey ___, coming in hot with an apology for going MIA! Our [convo/date(s)] was great, but I wasn’t emotionally there and I’m sorry I didn’t realise it before bringing you along for the ride. Hopefully no hard feelings…?”
- “Hey ___, I realise I ghosted you – sorry for fumbling our communication like that. If you want to keep chatting, I’m here for it.”
- “Hey there, ___! I’m here to eat some humble pie and apologise for my disappearing act. It wasn’t cool. Can you forgive my ghosting?”
- “Hey ___, I realise I owe you an apology for ghosting you. Hope life’s treating you better than I treated our [conversation/date(s)].”
- “Hey ___, my bad for ghosting you. Hardly exemplary communication skills… Hope you’re doing alright.”
When writing your message, remember:
- Keep it sincere
- Be brief
- Don’t overdo the apologies
- Be clear about your intentions
- Prepare for silence (they might not respond)
- If they do reply, don’t ghost them again
Stop ghosting in its tracks
RAW has created a new feature: the Ghosting Killer. When users reach a limit of chats not replied to, they must message existing connections before messaging someone new (or disconnect from them). RAW tested this new feature and found the approach effectively reduced the number of dead conversations within the app. The majority of women (92%) had only 0-4 unanswered chats (and only 5% of women had 5-9 dead chats). A whopping 99% of men had only 0-4 unanswered chats (and a tiny 1% of men had 5-9 dead chats).
Compare that to typical dating apps, where ghosting abounds. RAW is keeping people connected and chatting.
If the Ghosting Killer feature wasn’t enough, RAW’s anti-ghosting campaign aims to bring awareness to ghosting and help those who’ve been hurt by it. Users who’ve been ghosted on the app will randomly be selected to receive cool gifts, increased visibility, and free Premium access.
What a way to reframe ghosting: from a bummer into a bonus.
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Still Searching for Prince Charming 
Sure, there will always be innovation.. but the best way to date will always be in real life, outside.
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But most people do ghost for a reason. Even if that reason is insecurity and they simply can’t believe they’re talking to such an amazing human being, that’s still a reason. In which case, and again, that’s also kind of unhealthy, and do you really want to rekindle things with someone who puts you on a pedestal like that, anyway?
You’re very welcome, because the right ones are.
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Mmm, I get the idea, but as someone who has ghosted several people, I wouldn’t be reaching out to my ghostees. IMHO, this app smacks of two things: either someone who has been ghosted a lot and wants retribution, or someone who wants to do good things for the people.tbey perceive as the victims, without understanding really *why* people some people ghost others. Yes, obviously sometimes it really is just a shallow reason, but then do you really want to rekindle things with that gym hottie who has a double chin in his real-time selfie, but judged you for yours in your most made-up selfie? It’s their loss, better to move on to someone who isn’t so vain. Also, whenever I’ve ghosted someone it’s because they were either a) showing signs of an abusive personality, or b) laying it on hard and heavy, which I know can be a recipe foe an unhealthy relationship anyway, and in either case, I wouldn’t want to reengage with them.
In my very personal opinion, the best way to reduce ghosting is to emphasise real and natural beauty, make relationships a pleasure, not a right, and take accountability of our insecurities with inner growth. Become the person you’d want to know, and people.will be more inclined to want to know you.
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Thanks for your thoughts, Elena.
Yes, when some people ghost there’s understandably no intention to reach out again and perhaps these matches should be deleted. Then there are those people we’ve stopped talking to for no real reason; I think this is what RAW is getting at.
I really like your take on making relationships ‘a pleasure not a right’; I haven’t heard it expressed that way before and it’s beautifully considered.
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