Trying to feel like yourself after an operation is no mean feat, especially if you’re someone who enjoys feeling sexy and having sex. Pain, swelling, stiffness, fatigue and limited movement can all affect how you feel physically and emotionally.

I should know; at 34, I’ve been unconscious on the chopping block 11 times.

A few operations occurred in my childhood, but most have been since my early 20s, when I’ve either had a romantic partner or was seeking one.

Feeling sexy with a catheter and (literally) a bag of piss strapped to your body? Difficult.

Having sex with a broken leg? A challenge.

Enjoying your partner’s advances after a c-section, when your tummy’s been cut open, you’re constipated because of all the morphine, and you both now have a delightful yet nocturnal baby? Bloody hard, but possible.

About eight years ago, I wrote about my temporary nephrostomy fitting here on this blog, but deleted it when I was pregnant and having a blog tidy-up. I thought a post about a kidney operation didn’t fit in a sex and dating blog. And, possibly, I thought I wouldn’t have another operation to write about in the context of feeling normal or attractive again.

Silly me.

Since that kidney operation, I’ve had many more kidney procedures, a planned C-section and two knee operations. And more to come. All of which I’ve (eventually) emerged from feeling good, feeling like myself and feeling sexy again. A goal that felt impossible at times.

If you have an operation planned or know a loved one who’s due in the operating room soon, there are things you can do to help restore a sense of normality.

Pre-Op Prep – Home

You’ll probably spend more time at home recovering than in the hospital. So get your home sick bay set up before packing a hospital bag.

Here’s the list your pre-op assessment nurse won’t give you:

Stock up on moisturiser, yes, even if you’re a man.

Compression “Ted” stockings come on and off; nerves form new connections, making your skin itch and tingle; hairs grow back and you won’t want to run a razor over bruised, sensitive skin. Before your operation, buy a big tub of scented body cream (choose a fresh scent like mango, tangerine or freesia), and keep it by your bedside. Likewise: hand cream and lip balm.

Shave, scrub, buff, pluck, wax, wash your hair, etc.

Though be warned: shaving your operation area can increase your risk of infection, so check with your surgical team before you’re overly zealous with a razor. During recovery, even an extra two days before your hair needs a wash or your eyebrows need plucking makes all the difference. Recovering (as I am right now) from a knee op, I need to wear a huge, ridiculous plastic bag on my right leg to protect the dressing from getting wet. To fix my knee, the surgeon broke my tibia and plugged cartilage from one part of my knee to another. Walking’s tricky (obviously, as my leg’s broken), getting in and out of the shower with crutches is borderline lethal, and even sitting on the chair we’ve put in the shower is uncomfortable because my leg isn’t raised and all the blood rushes to it. All to say: I’m glad I could wait a week into recovery before I really needed to wash my hair.

Think about moving around the house

Can you move your bedroom to the floor below? Would it be a good idea to put a chair in the shower or get a raised loo frame?

If you’re temporarily camping in the spare room, get pants, PJs, lotions and potions all set up. You might not be able or willing to get things from your room when you’re back home. And if you have crutches, you’ll hardly be able to carry anything without a rucksack, anyway.

Pre-Op Prep – Hospital

A list for a happier hospital stay.

• Obviously, ensure you have someone to take you home.
• Arrange a visitor or two, if you can.
• Pack big, comfortable pants. Your no-VPL thong might be the most comfortable pair of underwear you own, but in hospital, you want big pants. You’ll either walk or be rolled to surgery wearing an open-backed gown. If you’re very lucky, you’ll be able to wear your own pants, but more likely, you’ll be naked or wearing a one-size-fits-all paper nappy. Pull a silly face, take a photo, share it with mates. There’s little dignity in operation attire; laugh in the face of it. When you’re back in your recovery room, get rid of the nappy and put your own snuggly pants on.
• Pack wisely: you don’t need loads, but you will want lip balm, hand cream, toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush, a little bottle of perfume, and a book for when you’re waiting around pre-op, and your iPad for afterwards.
• For God’s sake, be nice to all the nurses, catering staff and (obviously) your surgeon and anaesthetist.

Recovering at Home: The early days

Forget “sexy” in the first week. The goal in the very early stages of recovery is to manage pain and begin to feel normal. If you’ve been given physiotherapy exercises, do them as soon as you’ve been advised to do so. Teaching your operation site to behave normally is crucial to feeling like yourself and resuming sex and intimacy.

During the first few days to a week, the anaesthetic will still be inside you; your tummy and chest will look swollen, your pain levels won’t be entirely reliable, and you’ll be learning how to use crutches/empty your catheter/how to get in and out of bed with your new injury. Be kind to yourself.

Live in cosy pyjamas (but do change them regularly, especially if you’re in pjs all day and night), and keep your bedding taut and change it more often than usual.

Don’t let constipation get the better of you.

If you can’t face the to-do list/work/reading the five books you thought you’d read after your op, don’t stress. Watch TV.

If you cancel visitors at the last minute, that’s okay. Good friends will be there when you need them.

You can be surrounded by loving, caring family, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone to text, especially at 3 AM when you’re suffering. Someone to laugh or cry with about scars and bruises, and to invent battle stories together. This could be your partner (who’s likely in your shared bed upstairs while you recover in the spare room), your bestie, or your parents’ best mate who’s undergone a hip operation two weeks before your knee op…

It might take a week, 10 days, two weeks or even a month, but you will begin to feel like yourself. In the meantime, you’ll see yourself differently. This feeling might last even after you fully recover physically. Keep in touch with good friends and loving family members. They’ll still see you as you and will treat you well, if not better.

If you’re online dating, recovering at home can be a good opportunity to message potential dates. Get to know them over the phone and line up some dates for when you’re feeling back to your usual self.

Perhaps you’d had a few dates with someone before you underwent your operation. If they continue to message you and ask how you’re faring, they might be showing you they really care. Surgery is a great litmus test for loyalty.

Recovery at Home: Is that me in the mirror?

You will begin to feel like yourself.

You will.

Once you start to feel normal again, now’s the time to tackle the to-do list, work emails, begin to read, or even write a blog, if you fancy it.

If you’ve got a partner, you might like them to stay in your bed once or twice (swap sides if you need to, best to keep the operation site on the opposite side of where your partner is sleeping).

Get dressed in the daytime, if you can manage it. Put clean pants on, a mini skirt to showcase your new leg brace, and a sexy bra. Put some makeup on, style your hair, anything that helps you feel attractive again. Guys: see if you can wear something other than trackies. Shave your facial hair if this is something you tend to do.

During your operation, you’ll be asked to remove all jewellery (sometimes save for your wedding ring). Now might be the time you want to put all your bling back on. I’m recently engaged (humble brag), so it feels amazing to wear my engagement ring again.

Did you catch yourself in the mirror and think, “Hey, I look good?” Take a photo! No one needs to see it; you can hide it in your phone album. But for days after an op, you’ll feel crap, so document (even if just for yourself) when you start to feel good again. Likewise, keep a recovery diary. On the odd day you feel rubbish weeks after your op, look back at how far you’ve come.

Before you know it, you’ll be back in the hospital or at your GP surgery, having your dressing removed and stitches checked. This is an exciting day. Showcasing your new scar is a big milestone, but because it’s a fresh wound, it won’t look as good as the final healed result, so you might feel self-conscious. For me, this was a good reason to style the hair I want and shave the hair I don’t.

Dating After an Operation

When you can get out and about completely depends on the type of operation you’ve had and your recovery. Everyone’s different.

When you want to start dating again, you might want to let your dates know you’re post-op. It doesn’t mean you need to be defined by your operation(s), but it can be helpful to inform your date that you might not be feeling yourself/won’t be drinking/staying out too long/will be hobbling around a bit. There’s no shame in it. If they like you, your post-operative state shouldn’t bother them.

Shagging After an Operation

Able to climb stairs, complete light physical activity without being in agony, and can find a vaguely comfortable position in bed? You might be ready to have sex again.

You could talk to your partner before you start shagging. Such as pain levels, comfortable positions, how much energy you have and the possibility of needing to take breaks before you resume, if this kind of communication is your style. Or you could just try it, see what works, pause or stop if anything hurts, and chat after.

Unsurprisingly, if you’ve had a knee operation, it’s best to avoid kneeling positions until you’ve made a full recovery. For hip ops, minimise deep thrusting and twisting movements. For leg ops, lie supine. Pretty obvious stuff, really.

As a general rule of thumb, enjoy lying on your back and have your partner do more of the work.

Needless to say, there’s no pressure to return to sexual activities so soon after an operation. Go at your own pace and try to enjoy new ways of making your body feel good.

Photo by Slaapwijsheid.nl on Unsplash