When you’re living with a partner, sex can suffer. There’s no longer the eager anticipation of weekend visits to each other’s homes with ample time to scrub, shave and moisturise in the preceding days. Instead, you’re sharing a bathroom…

Then, add life stressors, children and comfort to the mix. See how easily sex slides down the priority list?

In any committed relationship, sex ebbs and flows, and there’s no set amount of sex a couple ought to be having. Every relationship is different. The number of times a week/month/year you have sex only matters when one or both of you want it more.

But how do you have more sex in a relationship? By making time for intimacy.

If only it were that easy. Here are some tips to help you carve out time in your busy life to attend to your relationship. Hopefully, sex will follow.

Take sex off the table

It sounds counterintuitive, but direct the focus away from sex. Try to not think about how much sex you’re not having, used to have, want to have, or want to keep avoiding. It will only cause stress and resentment between you.

In her book, “How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life“, Dr Karen Gurney suggests removing the expectation that intimacy leads to sex. Intimacy in its own right should be celebrated and enjoyed wherever possible.

Encourage moments of intimacy that are “trivial and often” not “rarely and crucial”. Rub your partner’s shoulders when they’re cooking. Have a cuddle on the sofa when you’re relaxing. Kiss each other goodbye. These small moments of frequent connection have more impact on your relationship than sharing a romantic bath and then having sex once every few months.

Connect sexually, without sex

Being sexual doesn’t need to lead to sex. In fact, whichever of you fancies sex less might enjoy doing all the sexual things together without the pressure of having penetrative sex.

Sleeping naked can be a nice way to feel sexual with each other, or sending each other dirty texts throughout the day.

Redefine your definition of “sex”

Remember in the early stages of dating, you’d spend ages kissing, groping and teasing each other? Bring that back. For some, deep snogging might constitute “having sex”, for others, fingering, wanking and oral might be their definition of sex. Make sexual activities the goal, not penetrative sex.

Plan date nights

Dedicating a portion of your week to sex isn’t a bad idea, but it can put a lot of pressure on you both to feel “up for it” during that time. Instead, commit to having a date night once a week, fortnightly or monthly.

Dates don’t have to be out of the house. You could cook one another a special meal, play a game or dress up in sexy lingerie and chat about your week.

Saying that, try to plan a hotel date every so often. Getting away from your to-do list, not looking at the pile of laundry in the corner and having a lie-in without kids jumping on the bed will be super bonding. Only don’t make a pact you’ll definitely have sex, just that you’ll have fun together.

Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash