How To Be a Woman (According to Magazines)

I’ve given up reading magazines. So many of them are full of instructions on what we should eat, how to do our makeup and how to flirt with men.

I’ve compiled a list of the shit advice I’ve read in magazines and my immediate thoughts:

Start the day off with a spinach and kale smoothie. Gross. Toast with almond butter and marmite is a much better breakfast for my soul.
Avoid carbs after 4 PM. No one with a job that finishes past 4:30 PM will manage this, particularly if they work with children. Ridiculous.
If you’re feeling peckish, snack on a handful of almonds. I’d rather have a Twix.
Work out 3 to 4 times a week, switching between cardio and toning. I don’t doubt this works, but I find it hard enough to stick to a gym schedule without the nagging guilt of what other people are doing to get fit.
Exfoliate and fake tan. Finally! Some advice I agree with.
Get a “mani” and a “pedi”. DIY is more therapeutic.
Choose the right style of bikini to suit your body. Men don’t get told what trunks will suit their bodies, do they?

Use this, this and this tool. Perhaps controversial, but I find that my fingers work best.
Use masking tape to create your perfect eyebrow shape. And then what, colour in the gap before ripping out some of the hairs?!
A ruler can really help you get a straight line for your bottom lip liner. (A friend said this definitely didn’t work and I admire her for trying it and owning up to it.)

Ignore the guy you’re interested in. Say hello to his mates first. Well, this seems counter-intuitive.
Make eye contact for a maximum of three seconds. Then look away – ideally at the floor. Smirk a little. Look up at him again. If he’s still looking, he’s interested. Jesus – a 4-step process just to catch a guy’s attention.
Apply lip balm seductively. Make sure you snap the lid shut to draw his attention. How loud is this lip balm lid?!
If you’re standing, lose your balance. Fall back into your target like a Disney princess. Then turn and gasp and how strong and kind he was to catch you. Oh goody, a suggestion of how to encourage men to see women as pathetic and in dire need of a hero.
Mount the pole on the bus or a train as you would if you were a pole dancer. …!