During times of isolation with too much time to think, we often assess what’s important to us. For some, this is explicitly figuring out our wants and needs by making lists and talking with friends, and for others, this might be an internal dialogue – giving ourselves time to re-evaluate things in our lives.

For me, the lockdown has meant I’ve had a lot of time to think about sex. Through speaking with people on various dating apps and reading articles about modern dating, I’ve learnt that more people are into kinky sex than I first thought. Recently, I’ve been musing over how the lockdown will affect intimacy and pondering how people are navigating kink in quarantine.

I’ve also been ruminating on desire. What do we want? What gets us off? And how are we expressing our desires when we can’t experience physical touch? Whether dreaming of days to be reunited with partners or dreaming up scandalous scenarios, our imaginations help us cope in solitary times.

“Desire… is something we can’t escape… our bodies crave intimacy.”

An American guy from Feeld

“I don’t prefer men or women. Skin… it’s just skin.”

A woman from Feeld

So what do people desire?

(By no means is this an exhaustive or definitive list; this is largely based on the desires of people on alternative dating apps but I think it gives a good indication of what people are thinking about behind closed doors. I’d like to add that I endeavoured to have more of a female narrative but women were less inclined to share their fantasies with me than men were.)

“After the most basic requirements of oxygen, water, sleep and food, sex is the thing we crave the most. There are actually quite a few times it has trumped my desire to eat and sleep.”

A man from Feeld

I’ve categorised people’s desires into very common, common and rare; stemming from the predilections I’ve come across on various apps.

Very Common:

“Bonus points with me for eloquent vocab.”

A man from Feeld

Common:

Rare:

“Totally imagining this when I’m working in London. Have you visit then strip you down to stockings and heels in the doorway as I throw you over my shoulder, spanking your ass as I carry you to the bed.“

A man from Feeld

I’m intrigued as to whether I’d learn as much about people’s desires in non-Covid times. We all know that sexual tension heightens sexual desire and we’re all struggling to keep our legs crossed in Coronatimes.

Through speaking with people both online and in-person, I’ve come up with three pillars of sexual desire:

• Curiosity
• Pleasure
• Fluidity (over time and in different situations)

Sometimes, our curiosity leads us down surprising paths. An internal or external trigger can rouse an automatic response that might catch us off guard – I know I’ve certainly discovered desires I didn’t realise I had. With pleasure comes elaboration; by building on fantasies we strengthen them and reinforce the pleasure we associate with a particular fantasy. And some fantasies turn us off in certain situations but get us going in others, and over time we might no longer desire a fantasy but crave something different.

“I can push your boundaries if you want to explore…”

A Dom from Feeld

So what influences our desires?

Maybe we’ve found ourselves bored with the sex we’re having or have become desensitised to sexual scenarios that we previously found enticing. Maybe we’re inquisitive and want to try new things or push boundaries. Or perhaps we’re stuck in a lockdown and any touch will do.

“There’s a disconnect of how to approach [desire]. We have a throw-away culture because of the options the online [world] opens up. Something will have to change in the dating world to account for that. It’s cool; we’re on the verge of something fun.”

An LA man from Feeld

Should our desires manifest in reality or remain as fantasies?

“Depends how dark they are.”

“I think it depends on what you desire.”

“They should manifest in reality as much as possible.”

“A desire should become reality; a fantasy is often best kept that way.”

“Goodness, that would be a scary world!”

Feeld connections

Whether we’re prepared to share or substantiate our desires or not, knowing the predilections of others helps us to feel less obscure and less isolated. Knowing that others are as sexually-driven as we are and that they too are craving touch, intimacy and connection, is comforting; particularly in troubled times. Maybe we could re-think the benefits of quarantining and isolation? Maybe now is the time to really get to know our wants, needs, desires and kinks…

Further reading and listening:

The Hotbed Collective – Desire episode

Dr Guerney’s book: Mind the Gap

Feature image by: Виктория Бородинова from Pixabay

A note: This is by no means a kink-shaming article. Everyone’s desires are different and can be very unique. This article is also based on a small percentage of the community who happen to be on sex apps – it’s not representative of society as a whole.