Much of the advice you’ll read about how to sext will be geared towards people in a relationship. In some ways a relationship is the perfect set-up for a sexy text:
Two (or more) people who know each other intimately + Trust + Guarantee of seeing each other again = Hot texts that hit the spot
But what if you’re still in the very early stages of getting to know someone? Is it okay to sext someone after a couple of dates? Can you sext a person you’re messaging on a dating app, even if you haven’t met them?
Yes. Sexting can be a fun way to learn what the other person enjoys and can be a safe way to test boundaries.
I don’t want to bore you with the usual caveat of the risk that comes with sending sexy photos to strangers – so I won’t – but bear in mind you can’t control where those photos go after they leave your phone. (Note to self: Remember this.)
Well-executed sexting has the ability to strengthen bonds, create anticipation and help you and the person you’re sexting reach orgasm. It can also be a good way to get to know each other in the early stages of dating, although the sex chat should only be a part of the conversation. Even when two people are keeping things between them casual, only speaking about sex can get tedious. Learn one another’s interests outside of the bedroom as well – it’ll help you work out if another date is on the cards.
But we’re not here to talk about hobbies and interests: we’re here for juicy sexting. As an erotic scriptwriter, I write weekly scripts which involve characters of all genders, ages (18+!) and sexualities. These characters might be single, in a new relationship, in a hot, happy relationship, rebounding, seeking casual encounters, interested in group dynamics, exploring their sexuality or BDSM, satisfying fetishes and kinks, married etc., etc., etc.
So if you’re looking for help with how to sext: Fear not. I know a thing or two about painting a sexy picture with words – let me help you.
Perhaps you’re in the hot, early stages of a relationship and can’t stop thinking about what you want to do to each other. Or maybe you’ve been together for a while but live apart and are looking to keep sexual intimacy alive until your next rendezvous. Either way, when you’re coupled up, sexting is a really hot way to enhance passion and explore boundaries – and your established connection is the perfect bedrock for sexy messages.
Sexting when you’re in a relationship requires two things:
- Knowledge of what turns you on
- Knowledge of what turns your partner on
Obviously, these things can change but having a good understanding of the ways you both experience pleasure will make sexting much more fun.
How to use sexy texts when you’re in a relationship
You might be wondering when you’d use a sexy text. Actually, let’s be honest, you’ve found yourself reading a sex blog…
Use sexting as foreplay. Before you meet your partner out for dinner, send a sexy photo of the lingerie you’re wearing. They’ll turn up horny and will be thinking about what’s underneath all evening. Be prepared for your date to be cut short.
Relive a sexy time together. Text them the juicy details and help them see the sex from your point of view.
“I keep getting flashbacks of last night. Your hands on my hips, your lips kissing my neck and feeling you getting hard…”
Explore a fantasy. Have you been discussing what it would be like to invite someone else into your bedroom? Did one of you mention you’d quite like to be tied up sometime? Bringing elements of these scenarios into your sexts can be a good way to introduce a fantasy into your relationship. A word of warning, though: Don’t go full steam ahead and only describe the nitty-gritty of the fantasy. Warm each other up with your words and go slowly. If the fantasy doesn’t look good on paper (screen), it’s much easier to recover from a subtle mishap than clamber out of the rabbit hole.
How to use sexy texts when you’re single and dating
Use sexting to discover sexual preference. Think about what could happen if the person you’re messaging came over right now or what might happen on a first date. What would you both be wearing? How would you explore each other’s bodies? Do they like it when you suggest pulling their hair or pinning their arms down? You can use sexts in the early stages of dating someone (or even before you meet – especially if you’re both after something casual or just a hookup) to imagine what sex could be like together.
For example: “Imagine we’re both out for dinner. I’ve slipped off my heels and am teasing your dick with my feet underneath the table…” He replies. Next, you send: “Rubbing your crotch, I notice your eyes closing, hear your breath quicken and feel your chair shuffle closer to the table (and me).”
See how this is pretty tame? Particularly when sexting someone new, it’s important to start slowly and stay vanilla – even if you met on a kink or hookup app. Ease one another in. After all, you probably only have a few photos, messages and perhaps a voice to hook the fantasy on.
Sexting can also flag selfish lovers. If you’re curious to find out whether your potential date is a selfish lover, you could put the ball back in their court and ask them to describe what they’d do to you.
“I’m lying on my bed in my lacy lingerie. If you were here, what would you do to me?”
A good response: “I’d come over to the bed, lean over you and move your hair to the side. I’d plant gentle kisses across your neck and whisper in your ear how sexy you look. Then, we’d begin passionately kissing as your hips rock closer to mine…
“While looking into your beautiful eyes, I’d start teasing your nipples through your lacy bra. I feel your nipples getting hard, notice your thong becoming wet and feel your hands over my back.
“I peel down your bra and take your nipples in my mouth one at a time. You exhale and I feel your hips rise to meet mine. You can feel how hard I am for you and see how much I want you as I lick and suck your breasts before I reach down and press against your pussy…” etc.
A bad response: “I’d come over to the bed, begin kissing you and take off your bra. Then, I’d pull down my boxers, you’d see how hard I am and I pull your thong to the side and start rubbing your clit. You’d be so wet, begging for me to fuck you so I take off your panties, and push my throbbing dick deep inside your soaking wet pussy.”
(Admittedly, not my best writing but you get the point.)
Sure, your potential lover may be bad at sexting but I’ve always found that if a person begins to describe snogging and then says “I’ll then ease my huge, throbbing dick inside you”, they turn out to be crap in bed. Gentlemen: it is not all about your penis.
So, how to sext?
1. Preparation, Preparation, Preparation
Before you begin sexting, it’s a good idea to establish ground rules. Does your partner like sexting? Do they only want to sext at a particular time? Are there any situations when sending a sexy text is not okay (i.e. on Sundays when they visit their family)? Or can you send a sexy text whenever?
Even if you have free range to sext whenever try to pick your timing. A sexy text at the office might be fun, but sending a dirty message to your partner as they’re about to head into a stressful meeting probably won’t go down well. Be attuned to what’s going on in your lover’s life so you don’t inadvertently piss them off.
If you’re sexting someone new (but have sent more than one or two messages) you could send a text that says something like: “I’m thinking of you and feeling pretty horny. Do you fancy some dirty texts? 😈” or “Hey, I can’t stop thinking about you. Free for a chat?”
When you have some free time and are feeling particularly fabulous, give yourself a sexy photoshoot with your phone or take a sexy video of yourself. Having a bank of sexy videos and photos alleviates the pressure of having to take a sexy photo when you’re sexting and they can be fun to scroll through when you’re feeling a little glum.
Did you know that iPhones have the ability to hide photos from your main photo album? Choose the photo(s) to hide, click the upload button (bottom right, arrow rising out of a square) and click ‘Hide’. With this nifty little feature, it’s okay to store naughty photos on your phone without worrying about scrolling through your photos with others.
When it comes to sexy photos, sometimes, less is more. (A sexy lingerie shot can be more alluring than a full-frontal shot. And guys: if you’re sending a photo of you in boxers, make sure they’re not your loose, grey ones you’ve had for 10 years.)
2. Fantasy vs Reality
Maybe you’re reliving a sexy experience or perhaps you’re typing out a fantasy but giving a play-by-play helps you and your lover be on the same page. With sexting, ordered details are sexy – but there’s a way to do it.
For example: “First, I’d snog you. Next, I’d pull you on top of me and unzip your jeans. Then I’d give you a blow job before I fuck you.”
Turned on? Me neither.
Instead, slowly paint a realistic picture with words. (Whilst this is easier with a sexy memory, it can just as easily work with a fantasy, you just need to think through logistics. Nothing says “sexy” like logistics…)
“If you were here I’d have you sitting in the orange chair in your underwear, hands tied behind your back, blindfolded. I’d come over, open your legs and start kissing you softly. My hands would tease your nipples beneath your bra until you’re wriggling in the chair – your breath quickening. Then I’d kiss across your chest, take one of your nipples in my mouth and tease it with my tongue as my hand starts softly touching your pussy through your knickers.”
See how this paints a more vivid image in your head? Perhaps you need five…? Hurry back, now.
3. Why Slowing it Down is Important
Typing out ordered details adds to the tease and slows down the pace. It also encourages you both to write about foreplay – an essential part of sex and sexting. When you’re sending sexy messages, slow is better because you don’t have the visual, verbal or tactile cues about your lover’s state of arousal. Keeping the pace slow (but Christ, not too slow), means you’re both more likely to match arousal at that moment.
4. You Have Five Senses – Use Them
Because you’re both only relying on words to connect sexually, engaging all the senses will help build a stronger imaginative scenario.
This is an obvious sense to explore when sexting. What can you see? What would you like to see? What are you imagining? If you’re both into it, use sensory deprivation. Play with imaginary blindfolds and all your other senses will be heightened.
Set the scene: will you have candles burning? Is there a particular candle in your room that awakens your sexy senses? Will you both be freshly showered or out of the bath? Home from the gym and sweaty with pheromones? Are you involving strawberries, chocolate or whipped cream?
Ask your lover how that strawberry tastes between their lips. Describe the taste of their pussy or cock. How about the salty-sweet of their skin?
How will you touch them? Softly, roughly? How would it feel to be touched by them? Does the spank on your arse leave you catching your breath? Does having their fingers in your hair give you goosebumps?
(And feel): Have you handcuffed your lover? Have they restrained you? Explore touch beyond your fingertips. Will you run an ice cube down their body, will you tickle them with a feather or spank them with a paddle?
Remember learning about onomatopoeic words at school? This was for sexting. The slap on someone’s arse. The growl of a lover. The drip of an ice cube on someone’s clit.
Describe what you’d hear at that moment; “As I grab your hips and thrust deeper into you, I hear our bodies slamming together and you moaning into the pillow.”
5. Vary Your Vocabulary
Use evocative words; words you’d use if you were with each other. Words like “Mmmm”, “Yesss, fuck yes!” go a long way, but don’t overuse them – add to the narrative and don’t rely on the other person leading the entire sex conversation. Even if you’re sexting in a D/s (Dominant/submissive) fashion, the submissive can still drive the narrative. “God yes! I love it when you bend me over, pull my knickers to the side and spank me.”
In an editor’s world, we editors often watch out for “stacking” – the phenomenon by which the same word is stacked (or almost stacked) on top of itself again and again. (Due to online formatting I can’t type out an example, but imagine looking at a page in a book or an article online and seeing the same word stacked on itself on a couple of adjacent lines.)
In a similar vein, watch out for stacking when sexting. Skim read your text before you send it and see how many times you’ve written “dick” or “pussy”. Varying your language makes sexting more interesting.
Here are some common sex words and related words and synonyms you can incorporate into your sexts:
Cock, dick, penis, shaft, head, balls (don’t forget the balls).
Pussy, vulva, vagina (but only technically accurate if you’re writing about the internal vagina, not the external vulva), labia, pussy lips, clit, clitoris.
Lick, slide, stroke, touch, caress, nibble, bite, slide, ease.
Tits, boobs, breasts, nipples.
Wet, soaking, spit, lube, swell, swollen, puffy.
Underwear, panties, thong, knickers.
Rough, gently, hard, soft, solid, rock hard, stiff, pressure, spread, straddle.
6. Use Emojis
As hot as sexting can be, it’s an effort. One hand is likely preoccupied, so you’re having to type one-handed. And your arm probably aches because you’re lying in bed and have had your arm up for a while. Emojis are an efficient way to convey a message and can be sexy (they can also be a convenient way to vary your vocabulary).
😈 – Feeling naughty
🌶 – Spice things up
💦, 🌊 – Orgasm, squirting, wet
💥, 🎇 – Orgasm
🍑 – Bum
🍆, 🍭, 🌭, 🍌 – Penis
🐱, 😺- Pussy
🌮, ✌🏼, 🥟 – Vagina (to be honest, I’m not sure if anyone else uses the dumpling emoji in this context, but I love it)
👅, 👄 , 💋, 😛 – Oral sex
👉🏻👌🏻 – P in V sex
👉🏽, ☝🏻- Fingering
👋 – Spanking
🔥, 🤤 – Yes! Hot, hot, hot!
⛓ – Indicates bondage
✂️ – Sexy scissoring
🚿 – Shower sex
🛏 – A bed, obviously
7. Don’t Disappear
If you’re not feeling it, suddenly feel turned off or are interrupted and can’t continue, don’t just ditch your lover. Tell them you’ve been interrupted, you’re sorry and would love to continue later. If they wrote something that disrupted your flow, carefully say something like “Sorry babe, I’m not feeling this, can we resume another time?”
8. Consider Aftercare
If you’re both sexting before bed, it’s so easy to drift off straight after you’ve cum. If you and your partner haven’t choreographed your orgasms, disappearing from messages can leave your lover hot and bothered. Many of us have fallen asleep mid-sext season and this can’t be helped, but you can mitigate disappointment by telling the person you’re sexting that you’re feeling particularly tired and you’re sorry if you fall asleep.
You know the person you’re sexting and sometimes kisses or a voice note will be enough aftercare post-sexting. But for some, returning to regular text conversation is necessary. Before you begin sexting, ask your lover how they like to wrap things up and tell them how you like to end a sexting session.
The bottom line
Don’t let all the guidance in this post deter you. It’s just a guide from an erotic scriptwriter and you don’t need to follow all these sexting tips. Sexting should be fun and fulfilling and these top tips for sexting are just that: tips. I write erotic scripts for all kinds of characters but only you know what turns you on. The most important thing with sexting is to be aware and receptive. Notice what turns your partner on and show them you noticed.
Have fun 😈.
Featured image by William Fortunato via Pexels