If only Babygirl had been filmed and released during Covid, like Netflix’s erotic thriller, 365 Days. Maybe I would’ve taken the movie as a cautionary tale and avoided the naive BDSM relationship I had with Simon*. Or, more likely, I would have found the film terribly enticing and fallen into bed with the sexy Dom anyway.
You’ll know why Babygirl could be considered a warning if you’ve seen it. While many scenes are undeniably sexy (and show the care, fun and laughter present in healthy BDSM relationships), Romy and Samuel’s relationship isn’t one to lust after.
Nicole Kidman plays Romy, a high-flying middle-aged businesswoman who gets into an illicit Dom/sub relationship with her intern, played by Harris Dickinson. At 20 years her junior, Samuel is a cock-sure Dom, eager to recruit Romy as his willing sub.
Ostensibly, it’s consensual, but as the relationship develops and outside factors threaten to reveal the couple, Samuel becomes coercive. Conversations about consent and safewords occur only after the characters have begun having kinky sex, and we all know this is not okay.
Five years ago, I understood how essential conversations of consent, safewords and boundaries are in any BDSM dynamic. But knowing things in theory and feeling comfortable talking about them are entirely different.
After months of texting and calls in lockdown, Simon and I met in Brighton. We stepped into an instant rhythm, and it seemed obvious he’d stay at mine that night. He was visiting from London and missed the last train. Later that night, in a cloud of pleasure, endorphins and intoxication, I learnt his sister lived in Brighton too, only 10 minutes away…
The fun we had wasn’t too dissimilar to scenes in Babygirl. Consent was implied – or something I gave afterwards. We cuddled in bed and he stroked my hair. I remember uttering my safeword. Was this part of a discussion, or to stop what we were doing? Neither SSC nor RACK featured. Did they for Simon? We were drunk, high and effectively strangers.
This is not a pity party. It’s a realisation.
I was certainly at fault, too, here. I was naive and thought I knew about BDSM relationships, but clearly didn’t. I didn’t insist on talking about boundaries, safewords or even consent. I wore the bruises like badges; “Look how hot the sex I’m having is!” Friends told me to be careful.
But Simon was older, more experienced and leading the scene each time we got together. He should have known better. We should have known each other better.
Skipping over 18 months of similar nights and teasing the prospect of a relationship, my story with Simon didn’t end how I wanted it to. Clearly, things have worked out very well for me now, but at the time, I thought I wanted this sexy Dom to commit to me.
Years later, I wonder whether the lessons I learnt from my time with Simon were worth it.
*Name has been changed.
Image credit: Babygirl (A24)
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Still Searching for Prince Charming 
Thank you for sharing such a candid and introspective piece. Your reflections on the nuances of consent and communication within BDSM dynamics are both enlightening and thought-provoking. It’s a poignant reminder of the importance of clear boundaries and mutual understanding in any relationship. Your vulnerability in recounting personal experiences offers valuable insights for others navigating similar paths
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Thank you for sharing such a candid and introspective piece. Your reflections on the nuances of consent and communication within BDSM dynamhttps://xmode.ai/ics are both enlightening and thought-provoking. It’s a poignant reminder of the importance of clear boundaries and mutual understanding in any relationship. Your vulnerability in recounting personal experiences offers valuable insights for others navigating similar paths
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Thank you for this great share, my friend. I really enjoyed reading your take on Babygirl. I find it fascinating how our perspectives are shaped by our unique experiences. The parts of the movie that resonated with me were entirely different from what you have focused on here. I can totally see why you’d see the movie in this light. I must have missed your posts about Simon. I will try to get caught up on your life and experiences, but I want you to know that I am sorry to hear that you had such a tumultuous experience with him. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with your readers…true life blogs are my favorite ❤ XOXO
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Thank you for your lovely message.
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Wow, I appreciate the raw honesty you shared in this post. I went and read the Simon post and I am also very intrigued by your glossary (will have to go and see it in full later). I agree that “after the fact” consent is definitely not good and can lead to heartache as well as other aches.
I have a submissive friend who just loved the movie and didn’t think of the applications you have. I haven’t seen it yet since it isn’t cheap enough to tempt me. I know it’s rude of me but Nicole Kidman is not as inviting as she once was for my tastes.
Hoping your search for Prince Charming (will he be truly charming??) goes well.
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Thanks for your words.
Does your friend have a blog? I’d be interested in hearing their thoughts if they’re a blogger.
Fortunately, I have found my Prince Charming (my About page gives an insight into our romance). And I think it’s also from a place of being happy and settled have I clearly reflected on the Simon situation.
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My friend is nora. Her blog is Finding Strength in My Submission. I found you through her blog so I think you’ve been there before? I can send a link if you can’t find her.
I will check the About page to learn more. I’m glad you found it!!
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Oh fabulous. Yes, I know of nora and her blog. I’ll have a rummage through.
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