If I told you that some people get a kick out of being choked or choking someone during sex, would you raise your eyebrows or smirk? Maybe you’re into it, you’ve seen it in porn – or perhaps it’s been done to you when you didn’t ask for it.
Choking is becoming increasingly common in sex amongst young people. According to a recent survey by the Institute For Addressing Strangulation, 35% of 16-34-year-olds in the UK said they’ve been choked by a partner during consensual sex. Across the pond in the US, 21% of women say they’ve been choked.
This might not surprise you if you consider how often choking is depicted in porn. You don’t have to search “choking” to see videos featuring (typically) a man with his hands around a woman’s neck. In its 2024 report on porn trends, Pornhub didn’t refer to choking. Is it so ubiquitous in adult entertainment?
Edge play goes mainstream
Sexual choking, aka “breath play”, involves a person putting their hands around their partner’s neck and applying pressure. Considered an extreme or advanced kink, choking falls under “edge play” because it teeters on the edge of what’s safe.
Previously, this kink was securely in the world of BDSM, explored by practitioners who understood how to stay safe and the risks involved. (To learn more about keeping kinky play safe, check out two frameworks: RACK and SSC.) Now, people are trying choking without fully understanding the ramifications. I promise I’m not kink shaming. I’ve tried choking (though I can’t remember if it was my idea or a former partner’s) and decided it’s not for me. What worries me is the increase in ill-informed uptake.
Let’s call a spade a spade: “choking” is strangulation
Erotic asphyxiation is not technically “choking”. Choking happens when something is stuck in your airways, stopping oxygen from reaching your lungs. When hands grip your neck, they constrict your airways, making it difficult for oxygen to reach your lungs or blood to reach your brain. This is strangulation.
Putting pressure on the neck cuts off the blood supply to the brain, resulting in a dizzy, light-headed feeling. (When in the throes of pleasure or the brink of orgasm, some find this heightens sensitivity.) The body’s oxygen levels suddenly drop, and the volume of carbon dioxide increases. This can cause brain damage or death, sometimes occurring days later.
The list of complications goes on: loss of consciousness, strokes, seizures, speech disorders, PTSD and depression. While some argue that these problems rarely arise when choking is consensual, many experts warn there’s no safe way to choke someone.
Alternatives to choking
Want the high of your brain being oxygen-starved? Ask your partner to bring you to the cusp of orgasm, ease off, bring you close again, ease off, etc. (known as “edging“). The orgasm will be toe-curling, eye-rolling and back-arching.
Have sex to your hottest playlist. (This is mine from five years ago; it could do with an update but might give you some inspo.)
Treat yourself and your partner to a really sexy date, at home or out. Wear their favourite lingerie, pop a remote-controlled vibrator in your underwear, give them the remote and try not to skip dessert. By the time the taxi pulls up outside, you’ll be absolutely desperate to jump on each other.
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Still Searching for Prince Charming 
There are so many now who play in dangerous ways because they do not learn what the “old schoolers did”. I have talked with someone I was on the verge of meeting when he lit up a red flag that lead to me worrying about any woman he is with. You see he thought my hard limit of me taking videos of me was bs because if it was another doing the photos I was fine with it. Odd yes but it does not change that it’s a hard limit. He went off about it and how if I was there he would punish me by making me take a video of myself. That was a full stop never gonna meet you and reach out to the people who organize events in this area of life, I showed them this text message convo and his ID cause when I’m about to meet someone I get that so I can give it to my safe call. He will find it harder now but not impossible. The scary thing is he did not stop with the red flags. I tried to teach him to slow down he could really hurt sometime because if you’re willing to break a hard limit what other hard limits will you break just because you think they are b.s. I tried to teach him RACK and SSC told him to get the book ‘screw the roses give me the thorns’ and gave him a few memes I use when I’m teaching people about what to what for. His response terrifies me “Idk who’s telling you all this but it’s fucking you up”. No one needed to tell me that no means no and it doesn’t matter what the thing no is being said to. Could be a strawberry for all it matters. No is no, hard limits are basically just that, no. What scares me the most is I’m running into this more and more when talking to people, I’m beyond grateful no matter what hat they wear when they are willing to learn what I have to teach. It is not topping from the bottom is Safe Sane and Risk Aware education. Who cares that it comes from a sub they have lot’s to teach to. Every year it seems I need to add another thing to the list of what to watch for.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad things are becoming more accepted. I just wish that with that acceptance people would take the lessons from those who are experienced and make sure their partner is safe.
I have to thank you for putting this out there, for putting yourself in a place that criticism and snide comments will come your way. It takes strength to do what you just did and call a spade a spade. Edge play is no laughing matter, it has that name for a reason. So once again. Thank you very much for putting yourself out there like this and writing this post. Hopefully those that need to see it do.
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Siearra, thank you for your kind words.
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about that guy who completely disregarded your heard limit. Well done on sharing his info with dating organisers in the community. How frightening to have direct experience of someone so disrespectful.
And to Elena’s point as well: I have no doubt there are plenty of practitioners who explore edge play following advisable frameworks. It’s just that some don’t and many people casually try choking without realising it’s an extreme form of BDSM and without the necessary precautions.
I’d love to read more about your role as an educator. Is much of your content on your blog or elsewhere?
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I haven’t gotten to the point of putting it on my blog yet. Though you can email me through it and I’m more than happy to share.
I am an edge player within trusted people and I do mean trusted and we have both double checked our facts so we know we are on the same page. I got lucky when I started in kink almost two decades ago and had some great people to guide me to help me avoid pitfalls. Mind you this was after a uhhhh shall we say interesting first trip into a dungeon. They pulled me out of the fire and took me under their wing. I have also learned that no one should say sorry for another’s behaviour as much as the desire is there, not like you did anything.
With my latest experience it’s one of the reasons I actually have a list of six questions. This may have made if into my current blog in a more vanilla format. They aren’t hard ones but they indicate active listening and since I do have medical issues I need to know they know me well enough that we are both comfortable. I ask them randomly when the opening comes up. They get one right I’m usually up for a pubic coffee meet. They get all six wrong it’s friend zone or closed door. It’s a good way to judge open communication status as well. I have a few trip you up ones with regard to play that give away level of experience.
I try to teach that thing we used to call common sense to people as they come across my path. I have this thing with digging for information so even if it’s not my thing usually I can direct a person to someone who can teach them that aspect. It’s a matter of being willing to admit you don’t know something and a matter of knowing and respecting limits and safe words. Some lessons came the hard way some is because of who I am. Knowing and teaching risks means my training won’t be needed as a medical professional lol
Oh I’ve done breath play don’t get me wrong, it has its places when you do your homework. That’s where risk aware comes into play.
As for frightening, not really. More a relief to catch it and have proof to try and minimize risk to others.
Sorry for the long response lol apparently I’m in a more talkative mood than usual.
Siearra ❄️
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Hang around my blog long enough and you’ll know I have an issue with the word “expert”. Hell, some even refer to me as a BDSM “expert”, and much to my chagrin. My point is, when people refer to themselves (or others) as “experts”, I immediately question what qualifications these people have to make such statements, or what their motives are.
Life is full of risks, even getting out of bed every morning is a risk. Should we stop living? Of course not! But like we know not to stick a fork in an electrical outlet if we want to live to see tomorrow, or not to put our hand on a stove without checking to see whether it’s giving off heat first, people who have been conciously choking people (ahem, BDSM practitioners) for years can teach how to migitate risks. It doesn’t mean there’s zero risk – someone could die and that may or may not be the choker’s fault – but it could also be the result of failing to communicate, or a sudden medical episode. People who have learned to choke with RACK in place do so knowing full well that there is a risk, it’s just less of a risk than if they went into it blindly, or high on drink or drugs.
I personally have been choked, and I’ve written a blog post about it, but then neither of us have gone into it blindly, nor do it we do it in sex where he might unintentionally put weight on my neck. The real problem, as you rightly say, is that a vast majority of people are learning about choking through infamously terrible “education” resources like porn, and that’s where the danger lies. Better education will always lead to safer sex. Just my thoughts, as always 🙂
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Elena, good to continue this important conversation.
I agree that life is full of risk. But we all know there are some things we can do that make life riskier and (let’s be frank) death more likely than living a totally sheltered life. No, this would not be a rich, fulfilling existence but someone who skis in an area known for avalanches, free dives or enjoys being choked during sex is more likely to put themselves in harm’s way.
BDSM practitioners have, of course, been exploring edge play for donkeys years. Safely, consensually and sometimes not.
Now though, choking isn’t just reserved for kinksters, it’s becoming more common without the understanding of RACK or SSC.
If only we could ban the casual choking in porn, eh?!
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I really like how you tackled this subject. It’s a good one to bring up since there are so many safety issues involved. Gasping, as I’ve heard it called, is not for the amateur or faint-of-heart. Personally, I’ve always found better things to do with my hands than choking. 😉
Thanks for the playlist! I will enjoy checking it out. I do love a good, steamy playlist and needed some new material. I like to write while listening to them as well as other things.
Edging is one of my favorite pleasures. I am a self-professed sadist so edging hits a lot of the buttons. It’s also fun to make her edge herself…ah…more than once in a row. I have made it a part of morning rituals for some submissives before. It keeps them…on…their toes. Yes, and on edge.
Thanks for the post.
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Oh wonderful, Grey Man. Enjoy the playlist. It definitely needs an update but that’s on the never-ending to-do list. Haha.
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I’ll name the playlist after you.
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