I’m going to be that awful person. I’m just going to say it and hope my single friends don’t hate me for it (because I would have hated me last year):
WHAT A RELIEF I’M NOT STILL SINGLE.
Nine months in a happy relationship has meant I’ve often forgotten what a minefield it is being single. If it wasn’t for this blog, I’d have forgotten (or blocked out) some of the awful dates and awful men. The few friends I have that remain single have reached the point I had last November; of no longer actively seeking a partner for the sheer exhaustion it causes.
If you’re single for a sustained amount of time during your 20s, by the time you get to 30, you realise you have dated (or slept) with people you never thought you’d date:
- The guy who’ll send a host of dick-pics and then proceed to try and have an ordinary conversation
- The guy who only responds with one-word answers (over messages or in-person; perhaps you’ve dated both kinds of men)
- The guy who will entirely ignore your messages but ‘like’ all of your social media posts
- The guy who admits to ‘practically shitting out a watermelon’ before your date
- The guy who invites his friend on your first date
- The guy who is so perfect on dates, but completely useless in the bedroom
- The guy who is completely inept on dates, but oh my…
- The guy who utters ‘juice me’ (or something equally horrific) when about to ejaculate
- The guy who says after sex, ‘can’t wait to tell my mate about THAT!’
- The guy who says, ‘soon this will carry my seed’ whilst his hand is resting on your stomach
- The guy who’s probably a bit too young for you
- The guy who’s quite a bit older than you
- The guy who you know is completely wrong for you, and yet you find yourself drawn to him
- The guy who is so gorgeous that you ignore all the red flags
- Oh, and plenty of catfish.
By the time you’re 30 or have been actively dating for a substantial amount of time, you’ll work out the kind of guy who suits you. Fortunately, with this wealth of experience, you’ll find shortcuts to seeing if he’s worth pursuing or if you’re better off ceasing communication. Here are some of the tell-tale signs I’ve discovered to help me find the right sort of guy for me:
- Avoid the kind of guy who requests intimate photos or sends unsolicited dick pics
- Avoid the guy who talks about our future on the first date or two, he probably just wants to shag; notice the red flag and don’t get swept up
- Avoid any guy who plays games
- Avoid narcissists
- Avoid the guy who is rude to waitresses and waiters
- Avoid the guy who constantly talks about his ex, or speaks about her rudely or bitterly
- #checkthebookshelf – if he doesn’t own a bookshelf, don’t fuck them. You can learn a lot about a person from their bookshelf
- Avoid the consistently-selfish lover
- And the ultimate sign: if it feels too much like hard work from the beginning, it’s unlikely to be worth pursuing.