A former version of this post was originally written for Torture Garden and posted on their blog. Torture Garden is the world’s largest Fetish and Body Art Club with global events attracting open-minded individuals of all sexual orientations and genders.

By Holly Field.

You’ve managed to broach the topic of BDSM with your partner, well done. Hopefully, they agreed to begin this journey with you, otherwise, you probably shouldn’t be reading this! Your first steps in BDSM should be baby steps. Tread lightly and carefully and you’ll find your stride and follow our top tips: 

1. Start Slow.  Start Really Slow.

If you’re both new to BDSM, it can be fun to learn about what you might like to try together. Torture Garden’s blog is a great place to start and there are lots of other good educational resources online (there are also plenty of dodgy accounts of BDSM practices, so be wary of what you read and digest). Even if one of you has more experience in BDSM, you should listen carefully to one another and communicate honestly – and the person who’s had the most experience shouldn’t necessarily take the lead as they may go too quickly for the newbie. Let whichever one of you is the newest set the pace; BDSM can be daunting at first but it can also be so much fun. If both of you have similar experiences, still start slowly; your dynamic is unique and you may have different limits to those you had in the past.  Remember to respect your limits and boundaries, and if someone says “stop”, then stop.

2. Talk.  Talk, Talk, Talk.

Before you even begin to pick up a paddle or buy a latex outfit, talk about what SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) means to both of you. There will be some general rules like avoiding BDSM play whilst under the influence and respecting one another’s boundaries, however, you can decide whether you incorporate a “safe word” or a “stop action” into your play – to be used by either of you when you want to stop an activity. Of course, knowing where your boundaries lie when you’re exploring something new can be difficult, so you may want to take your limits down a notch from where you expect them to lie. You can always increase intensity or try new activities together but not undo something you’ve done. “Less is more,” as our mothers would say. And remember, you can always change your mind and readjust your boundaries – communication is essential in BDSM play.

Start slowly when taking your first steps into BDSM. You could buy a blindfold or fluffy handcuffs and see how you both enjoy sensory deprivation or adding restraint into the bedroom. Likewise, before purchasing a flogger, try some gentle impact play by spanking with your hand. As you become more comfortable with BDSM and decide it’s something you both want to incorporate into your play, you’ll uncover an exciting world of sex toys: body restraints and clamps, cock and ball devices, sensation devices… the list goes on!

3. Review

After you’ve tried BDSM (especially power dynamics) it’s essential to rebalance your relationship. Some submissives experience “sub drop” after erotic BDSM play whereby they have a rush of emotions as they come out of the submissive mindset. Dominant partners can also feel weird after a BDSM session and may feel guilty for verbally or physically causing pain to their partners, even if it was consensual. Both experiences are completely normal. Aftercare helps you both feel alright and it’s an important part of BDSM even if you’ve been doing it for years, so talk about what you’d like to do for aftercare before you embark on your sexual adventure. 

Bringing your relationship back to a balanced level can help you to process the experience and approach your next scene with clarity. “Aftercare” can be anything you like, but it’s good to do it together. A glass of water is a good place to start. Then maybe you’d like a cuddle on the sofa, a walk around the block talking about how you found the power play, some like a romantic dinner or a bath; whatever you choose to do, enjoy the time together and use it to reflect honestly.

Try to be as open and honest as possible when discussing the play. What did you enjoy? What didn’t you? If you could change anything, what would you change and how? Be cautious of your partner’s feelings when “reviewing” sex; you’ll know how to communicate tricky conversations with them, so use tact. Are there things you’d like to try next time or different practices you’d like to learn more about? Learning together can be a fantastic way to start your own BDSM journey.

Photo by Maria Vlasova on Unsplash