Originally published December 2021; updated December 2024

You’re heading home for Christmas.

Your partner is in tow.

You’re so excited about all the romantic, festive sex you’ll have.

Then one of you remembers there’s a baby sister and a dog to avoid… And so:

How do you have sex without your family hearing?

Your idea for a hot Christmas may be more O Come, All Ye Faithful than Silent Night but you’ll undoubtedly blush as Granny makes lewd remarks about the stuffing. Minimise embarrassment by frolicking considerately.

Here are my Top Tips for Festive Fucking:

• Pack your silent sex toys and keep them hidden. Nothing screams “awkward” more than the family pet playing with your vibrating butt plug while you read The Night Before Christmas
• If you share a floor with family members or your bedroom backs onto your parents’ bedroom, you may want to keep the wild shagging to a minimum and practise quieter coitus over the holidays
• When you do decide to get jiggy with it, shut the door – lock it if possible – and attempt to stifle the moans and grunts.
• Making sweet, sweet love by the fire after champagne and a festive feast sounds idyllic… until Grandad walks in. It’s romantic but try and resist the urge until the family are out or you rent a cottage in the Cotswolds
• A shag in the shower will help mask the sounds of passionate sex – and no clean-up after!
• Pop out for a “walk” or “do some jobs in town”. Grab a blanket and ride his gearstick
• Don’t head off for a quickie when it’s the final stages of getting the dinner on the table – the Head Chef in the house will go ballistic.

Photo by Uriel Mont from Pexels