With time and after a few tearful phone calls, A and I have reached a stage of calmness, acceptance and positivity. Here’s his recent letter to me (you can read his first one, here). As with the previous letter; A has said I can post it on the blog.
First of all, I want to say thank you so much for letting write a guest spot on your blog. I know how much you value your blog as your platform for conveying your thoughts and feelings, so the fact you have been so kind as to give me the opportunity to do this is both an honour and a privilege.
How do I begin to talk about the whirlwind of different emotions I’ve experienced over the course of the last month or so since our breakup? Well, I guess the best place is to start at the beginning. There’s no better way of describing it: breakups fucking suck. I honestly think you could have the most amicable breakup possible, and it would still be awful.
The first couple of weeks after that day you said it would probably be best we weren’t together anymore were horrendous. I felt so depressed and low I had no idea what to do with myself. The initial stage of a breakup is what I can only describe as emotional shell shock. Your brain just can’t process what you’ve just experienced, or at least not initially.
Having always been the dumpee rather than the dumper in past relationships, some of the most prevalent thoughts I have had to deal with since the breakup are: “How could I do so many things wrong?”, “Why was I such a fool that I made the same mistake more than twice?” and my personal favourite: “Why were you such a rubbish boyfriend you absolute failure?!” I have always been quick to blame myself, and it’s one of the key ingredients which contribute to my depression.
For the last month, I was completely obsessed with findings out ways to bring us back together. I searched everywhere on Reddit, looking at forums discussing if it is possible for exes to get back together post-breakup. I could not stop thinking about things I should be doing to try and impress you, and convince you that giving our relationship a second go was worth a shot. However, I soon realised that being consumed by these thoughts was slowly killing me from the inside out. The amount of pressure I was putting on myself was, in fact, making my depression worst, as I could not stop thinking I wasn’t doing enough.
Then we had the talk the other day. Since the breakup, I wanted to give you a genuine apology for the moments where I treated you unfairly and wrongly during the course of our relationship, but I was worried as to how you would respond. But then I realised that regardless of how the next month or whatever turns out, you deserve the apology. So I rang you up and did exactly that. What was meant to be a 5-minute conversation turned into half an hour, and during this call I had what you could call an ‘epiphany’. Being obsessed with trying to get us back together was not the right thought process to have. I realised just how much damage it was doing to myself, and it was not healthy. So I let go and accepted how things currently are. If we can’t accept how things are, how else are we to move forward?
I’ve slowly realised that, if I can’t be your boyfriend anymore, then I might as well be the best ex-boyfriend I possibly can be.
Whilst watching Tolkien yesterday I did a lot of thinking (don’t ask me why I had such a philosophical thought like this whilst watching a biopic about the author who made Middle-Earth, I have no idea). I thought, “What kind of man do I want people to see me as?” Do I want to come across as the ex-boyfriend who can’t let it go due to his own insecurities? Or do I want to be seen as the ex-partner who knew when to bow out gracefully and with dignity?
I am conscious that I am possibly rambling a bit so I am going to finish off this letter with this:
If ever given the chance to, I would love another opportunity at being your boyfriend again. You were, without a shadow of a doubt, the best girlfriend I have ever had, and I mean that with all sincerity. Even with our ups and downs, I had so many magical experiences with you that will stay with me forever. But I realise that if a second chance is ever going to happen, it needs to be organic and when both of us are ready. You can’t force a relationship.
As sad as I still am that our romantic relationship is now finished, I would be much more depressed if I did not have you in my life as a friend. You are honestly my favourite person in the world, and I can’t think of anyone else I would rather have a stupidly-early morning or horrendously late-evening conversation with until the early hours.
No matter how the future looks, please know that I love you and I’ll try my best to support you.
Image by Pixabay; chosen by A.